What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?
by DarkShadowFlame
Summary: What are you going to do when you can see the future and boy, does it look boring? Play matchmaker, of course! Well, it sounds easy enough… too bad Ishizu’s friends are so clueless. [YamiYugi, SetoJoey, BakuraRyou, ShadiIshizu]
1. Plotting

**What** **Better Use for Your Millennium** **Item?**

* * *

**Disclaimer: **I don't own YuGiOh; I don't own any deliberate or accidental references in the future; this applies to all chapters.

**Warning**: This is an OOC and INSANE fic that grows increasingly strange after the first chapter. PLEASE understand the DESPERATE INSANITY and don't read this unless you can deal with it.

**Dedications**: To all who read "Joey, Seto's puppy", and were very nice and encouraging! After the generally positive feedback, I decided to post this.

An especially big thanks goes out to Female-Yami/Yugi! Your review made me think of you as a sort of bodyguard. Or, if you've seen Lord of the Rings, my gardener. If you _haven't_ seen Lord of the Rings, you probably think I'm insane right about now. You'd be right.

* * *

**Important notes**: Yami Marik _will not_ be in this fic. He complicates things – Marik will have to be awesome enough for both of them.

Italics are images from the Millennium Necklace; the visions of the future can (and will be) changed depending on her actions.

* * *

Chapter 1

* * *

She'd accomplished her goals. Ishizu had helped the Pharaoh save the world.

Her brother was free as well. His evil Yami had been banished to the Shadow Realm, and Ryou Bakura recalled. Odion was recovering well, and the three of them had moved back into the Ishtar mansion, with frequent visits from Shadi. Yami had won Battle City, Seto Kaiba had at least accepted it, all their friends were happily at home, and the world could breath in peace once again. There were no tidal waves, no exploding volcanos, no major earthquakes looming, and the greenhouse effect wouldn't be a problem for at least a couple hundred years.

How _boring_.

* * *

_Yami__ checked on the Egyptian God cards for the thousandth time as his hikari watched in amusement. Yugi said something that caused Yami to smile and blush. To hide the red tinge appearing in his cheek, Yami bent again over the cards, seeing nothing out of the ordinary. Yugi watched him, a small smile curving his lips, which he quickly hid when Yami straightened to face him._

_"Everything's fine, hikari," Yami said, smiling. "The world is still safe."_

* * *

"SOMEBODY START A WAR!" Ishizu screeched, throwing the Millennium Necklace across the room. And because of Shadi's random habit of materializing, it hit him.

"Ah!" he cried, grasping what Ishizu imagined to be a rather sensitive area.

"Sorry, Shadi," she said grumpily, sounding like the complete opposite. Why was she so moody, anyway? Shouldn't she be glad the world was safe? Come to think of it, she'd spent most of her life fighting for it. Or at least fighting. Even at a young age, she'd been sneaking Marik into the market. Then she'd been constantly running from one place to another when his yami came out. She just wasn't equipped to deal with normality, that was all.

She ignored Shadi, who limped over to the couch, and Odion, who was standing in the doorway, shoulders shaking with laughter. "Hello, Shadi," Odion said with a grin. "I'll welcome you, since it seems Ishizu didn't do such a great job." Shadi simply scowled at him and turned to Ishizu.

"Ishizu, what's wrong? You rarely lose your temper."

Yami and Yugi had said the world was okay, just peachy, dandy, surviving. Of course, she rather thought they could say that without all the hidden sexual tension…

"Ishizu?" Odion inquired at her silence.

You know, sexual tension was really a problem. It could cause the Pharaoh undue stress. And then who would protect the God Cards?

"Ishizu, are you okay?" Shadi asked worriedly.

Yami was going to doom the world by not getting Yugi into bed! She couldn't let that happen!

"Ishizu! Answer me!" Odion snapped his fingers.

She had to save the world! She had to help the Pharaoh! She had to get him laid!

"Ishizu! Ishizu, you're scaring me. Answer me!" Shadi's eyes were wide with confusion.

And it wasn't just getting Yugi into bed. Yami and Yugi should be together all their lives. They were obviously in love. It would be hard. It would take a long time. She had a goal!

Odion and Shadi exchanged helpless glances. "Ishizu!" Odion urged again.

Now that she thought of it, all her friends seemed to have that problem. Well, the insecure ones, anyway. She could help them! She needed to help them! They needed her! She'd save them all by playing that time-honored role of _matchmaker!_

"Ishizu?" Shadi asked in concern, walking up to where she was sitting on the couch.

She jumped up happily, intending to rush out the door and get started right away. This proved to be an ill idea, as Shadi was standing there. Normally, he was taller than her and she would hit his jaw with her head. However, he was bending over to try and see her face.

So when she hit Shadi, it was in the face. With her breasts.

When they came in contact with his face, they both froze. They were so close, she actually felt him take a deep breath and knew that both of them were cursing Ra for her extremely low top. She'd been hot this morning! She certainly hadn't planned on _this_ to happen.

Shadi suddenly regained his senses and leapt back, opening and closing his mouth frantically; quite unusual for the stoic man. Odion stared back and forth between them, trying to look shocked but close to laughter again. And Ishizu thought she handled the extremely embarrassing situation very well.

She shrieked and ran out the door.

* * *

"Odion?" Marik asked, poking his head through the door. He instantly regretted it. It wasn't often that he looked into the sitting room and found his friend and mentor patting the ever-mysterious but rarely-bright-red Shadi on the back, shoulders silently shaking with mirth. "What the hell?"

Shadi put a hand to his face, then immediately yanked it away, waving it as if it had been burned. Odion looked up at his adopted brother and winked. "Ishizu looked… troubled. So dear Shadi here decided to help her out."

"Odion!" Shadi said, grimacing.

"Shadi has a new friend," Odion said, suppressing another grin. "Two new friends."

Shadi gave him a small shove, very out of character for the Egyptian. Perhaps it was the stress. "Who knew you were such a pervert?"

Odion turned to Marik again. "He was leaning over as she jumped up, and… well…"

"Her chest hit Shadi in the face," Marik supplied, grinning. "What'd you do?" He directed the question at Shadi. The boy leaned forward on the couch eagerly, looking like one of those eighty-year old ladies who sit around playing bingo and gossiping.

"Froze."

Marik let out a hoot and flopped back. "Perfect, Shadi, perfect," he said, grinning.

As Shadi let out a stream of muttered Egyptian curses, and Odion tried to convince him that he constantly beat up guys who wanted to do just that with Ishizu, Marik let his mind wander. Pretty wedding music played. He was in a white tuxedo. A ten- no, twenty- no, thirty-layer cake stood proudly in the middle of the room with yummy vanilla icing. No, he wasn't getting married. He was the best man. The happy couple: his sister and Shadi. (Why the hell was Shadi wearing a turban to his wedding?) Hmmm… maybe it was time to play a little game called 'matchmaker.'

And if they did get married, he'd get to eat cake!

* * *

"Help!" Ishizu shrieked.

"Ishizu, what's wrong?" Téa asked, alarmed. She stepped back to let Ishizu into the house. They walked into the living room, where Yugi, Yami, and Joey were lounging on the floor, and the girls slumped on the couch.

"I am so stupid," she moaned. She let her fingers travel to the Millennium Necklace, which had found its way back to her sometime during her sprint over to Téa's. "Why does this thing insist on giving me selected visions? Why can't it warn me when I'm getting dressed that wearing a tank top _isn't_ a good idea?"

"Whoa," Yugi said, amused, "back up a little there."

Omitting the part where she was distracted while planning to get Yugi and Yami to bed together, she explained. "I hit Shadi in the… um, I hit him with my Millennium Necklace by accident. Then… I don't know, I jumped up, and I sort of smacked him. In the face. With my chest."

They stared at her. "Oh, no," Téa said, putting a hand to her mouth. "What did Shadi say?"

" 'Hit me again?' " Joey joked, earning himself a smack on the head from Téa. "Ow. Sorry."

"Joey!" Ishizu wailed. "It isn't funny! I- he- my- I can't- he's going- my life is over!" she finished dramatically.

"What?" Yami asked, instantly on the alert. Before, he'd been too busy staring at his hikari to notice anything. But the words 'life is over' brought him snapping back to reality. "Wherever there's danger, I duel!"

"Can it, Pharaoh," Ishizu snapped, too annoyed to be indulgent. "You and your stupid hidden sexual tens-"

* * *

_Yami__ munched on popcorn peacefully. He was supposed to be watching the movie. But he'd found that if he tilted his head about 15 degrees to the side and moved it over about a foot, he could see Yugi's reflection in the TV screen. Sure, Yugi had asked what he was doing. And he probably hadn't believed Yami when he said that in Ancient Egypt, everyone watched their TV this way. Apparently his hikari actually paid attention in history class. Wasn't that the sweetest thing ever?_

_Yugi__ thought Yami was acting weird, but he wasn't about to complain. When Yami held his head like that, he could see his reflection in the TV screen. He looked awfully absorbed in the movie, too. Yugi let out a soft sigh as he stared dreamily._

_And as the two pined away for each other, Godzilla rampaged around the screen._

* * *

"Are you okay, Ishizu?" Téa asked anxiously.

"Hmmm? Oh, right! I'm fine!" She gave Téa a bright smile.

"You just kind of trailed away in the middle of your sentence," Joey said, eyeing her. "And then you acted all spaced out. Did you get one of them visions?"

She stalled. Then, when she still couldn't think of an answer, she completely changed the subject. "So what's everyone doing tonight?"

"Baking cookies!" Téa said cheerfully. "My mom and I decided to indulge tonight. Sugar, chocolate chip, and this new recipe we found for mint."

"I didn't have any real plans," Joey said, looking at Téa with interest, "maybe I'll stop by here…"

"My cookies!" she said, laughing. "You'll eat them all." He gave her a pleading look. "Oh, come on over. And bring Serenity! Do you guys want to come over tonight too?" she asked Yami and Yugi.

"Well, we were going to have a movie night," Yugi said apologetically. "But if everyone's going to be here…"

"No!" Ishizu interrupted. They all turned to look at her, and she frantically searched her mind. "Having a movie night is important. It's a chance for you guys to bond. To be alone together." They kept on staring at her blankly. "Um, and don't forget a nice dinner," she added desperately. "_Godzilla_ is the kind of movie you want to watch with something- and someone- special. Not just plain old popcorn. Get, like, spaghetti. And meatballs. Yami, you cook."

"How did you know we were going to be watching _Godzilla_?" Yugi asked curiously. She blinked rapidly.

"Um… it's a classic?"

"Oh, I get it!" Yami said suddenly. "This is what you saw in the Millennium Necklace, wasn't it? That Yugi and I would watch _Godzilla_ together?"

"Yes," she nodded emphatically. Technically, it wasn't lying. Yet. "And you're going to cook a fabulous dinner, Yami." Now _that_ was a lie. She was making it up as she went along. "Like I said, spaghetti. The best Yugi's ever tasted. With… with your special sauce."

Yami suddenly looked very, very nervous. But that disappeared quickly when Yugi flung his arms around him: "Oh, Yami! Thank you so much! I can't wait to eat dinner tonight!"

Ishizu watched in satisfaction. Her work here was progressing nicely. So far, her plans seemed to be a success.

Until, of course, she thought about Yami cooking.

* * *

**Notes**: Joey looking at Téa with interest refers to her cooking. This fic is Joey/Seto all the way! Téa won't be paired up with anyone, even though I _do_ like her. She'll just be the voice of reason. (God knows they need it) And the good cook.

Reviews are welcomed and cuddled! (Flames are played with…)

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: They bake – and eat – cookies! Ishizu decides to pair up even more of her friends, and things get messy. Literally._


	2. Cookies

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

Thanks a ton to everyone who reviewed! A few things; yes, I am a fan of Téa. Glad people seem to appreciate that fact. She will be in here all through the story. Also, it's a good thing people are looking forward to Shadi/Ishizu! I love that pairing a looot- it'll appear quite often. Speaking of romance, kindly ignore the odd Marik/Serenity hints. I was in a weird mood. It drops out soon enough.

OOCness rears its ugly head even more here. It's all for the sake of humor, at least I hope so. I'm going to stop warning you about it, although I'll occasionally bemoan it.

* * *

Chapter 2

* * *

"Hey, Marik!" Serenity greeted the blonde boy enthusiastically, as she was the first one Marik and Ishizu encountered when walking into Téa's house later that evening. "Hello, Ishizu! How are you two?"

"Fine," Ishizu answered, removing her jacket. "You don't mind that I brought Marik along, do you?"

"Not at all!" Serenity answered with a big grin. "And I'm sure Téa won't, either. Ready to bake cookies?"

Marik started. "I thought we were going to _eat_ them!" he protested.

Serenity laughed. "Well, since there are so many of us – Téa, Joey, me, Tristan, Ryou, Bakura, and you two – Téa talked to her mom and the eight of us are going to bake! Won't that be fun?"

"Yes, it will!" Ishizu said enthusiastically, pausing a moment to reflect how much she'd changed since Battle City. Well, maybe it was her new 'mission.' It was more fun!

"Um…" Marik said dubiously, staring at his hands.

Serenity flashed him a smile. "Never baked before? Neither has Joey; he just eats the dough from the bowl when _I'm_ cooking. Well, we'll teach you guys! It's fun!" She grabbed Marik's wrist in excitement and pulled him into the kitchen.

Ishizu stared at them thoughtfully. They would make a cute couple… she wouldn't mind having Serenity as a sister-in-law…

Was she moving a bit too fast, maybe?

Naaah, never. Well, okay. Maybe she'd try to get them to date first. Or become friends. That was normal, right?

She followed them into the kitchen. Téa and Joey took one look at her and burst out laughing.

"Huh? What's so funny?" Tristan asked, looking up from the recipe he was studying intently.

"Your turtleneck," Téa said, giggling. "Sorry, Ishizu, but…"

"Yeah, yeah, hilarious," she said, making a face at them. "I'm never wearing a low shirt again."

Joey snickered and waved off the confused looks of the others. Marik, however, bent to whisper something in Serenity's ear- no doubt the tale of Shadi and The Incident.

Ishizu stepped over to the counter to help with the baking when…

* * *

_"Seto?"__ Mokuba asked from his curled-up position on the leather couch. He was sitting in his brother's office, watching Seto do some company work._

_"Yes, Mokuba?"__ Seto asked, glancing up to smile at his little brother with rare warmth._

_"I want a puppy!" Mokuba declared, expecting an immediate scowl from his brother. Instead, Seto's eyes glazed over slightly, and a smile crept onto his face._

_"So do I, Mokuba," he sighed softly._

_"What?" Mokuba's eyes were wide. "Wait. Did you just say we can get a puppy?"_

_"No!" Seto said, shaking his head violently. "We're not getting a puppy, Mokuba."_

_"But you said you wanted one!" the little boy protested._

_"That's not what I meant," Seto muttered, turning to his work._

_"Seto?__ Are you blushing?" His older brother didn't respond, and a sudden grin lit up Mokuba's face. "You meant Joey, didn't you?"_

_Seto's__ head snapped back and he accidentally knocked some papers off the desk. Ignoring his younger brother, he bent to pick them up._

_"Seto loves Joey!" Mokuba cheered. "You do, you do, you do! You love him! I knew it! Aw, come on big brother! Don't give me that look!"_

_"Mokuba, I do not love that… that… mutt!" Seto finally choked out, at a loss for better words._

_"Noooo, you just want him," Mokuba teased, much to Seto's shock._

_"Mokuba!__ Where did you- oh, never mind." He eyed his little brother. "You know what, Mokuba? I'll make you a deal. You don't mention Wheeler's name in this house ever, ever again… and I'll buy you a real puppy."_

_Mokuba's__ eyes lit up. "Seto!" he squealed, flinging himself at his brother for a giant hug._

* * *

"How sweet," Ishizu mumbled under her breath. "Unfortunately, that doesn't leave Mokuba with much chance to get those two together. He did promise never to mention Joey's name in their mansion… although, if I know that kid, he'll find a loophole. But maybe he could use some extra help…"

Joey looked up to find Ishizu smirking at him in a very predatory manner. He gulped. "You know, I was just kidding about that whole turtleneck thing," he said lamely.

"Oh, it's okay, Joey," she said, smiling sweetly. "You didn't do anything… just laughed." At the last word, her eyes flashed a bit, but her smile didn't fade. "I'm not mad at you… in fact, I'm going to do you a favor."

"Tell me the best place to find an all-you-can-eat buffet?" Joey suggested nervously.

Ishizu rolled her eyes. "You'll see, Joey," she said, smiling. "You'll see."

She moved over to where Téa and Tristan were arguing. "Tristan, we're making three different kinds of cookies-"

"Four!" Bakura piped up. He and Ryou were standing next to the electric mixer, and his hikari was trying to teach him how it worked.

"Four? What's the fourth?" Téa asked.

"Chocolate!" Ryou called over. "Remember Joey begged?"

"Oh, that's right," Téa sighed. "Well, that's my point, Tristan. We're making _four_ different kinds of cookies. We don't need to double the recipe!"

Tristan merely scowled at her. "Fine, then. But don't come crying to me when you run out!"

"I won't come crying to you," Téa assured him. "I wouldn't want to be in the bathroom while you're throwing up the hundred cookies you eat!"

"I can take 'em," Tristan said, patting his stomach eagerly.

Téa rolled her eyes in exasperation. "All right," she said to Ishizu. "How should we do this?"

"Eight of us," Ishizu mused, "four kinds of cookies. Perhaps we should split into pairs to make the dough?"

"We can't cook them all at once, though," Téa said. "The oven is only big enough to fit maybe two trays in."

"Well, they're big trays," Tristan said, waving one in the air. And smacking Marik.

"Hey! That was my head!"

"Whoops," Tristan laughed. "My bad. Hey, remember the times when, if I did that, you'd send me to the Shadow Realm in a second?"

"The good old days," Marik growled playfully.

"How about this," Serenity suggested, since she'd obviously been listening in. "We split into groups of two to make the dough, but we cook in installments."

"Smart," Téa remarked. "So, let's split up. And let's try not to pair, say, Joey with Tristan. We need at least one competent person per team." She winked at the two to let them know she was joking. "We also need at least one person to make sure their partner doesn't eat all the dough."

Joey snorted.

"You said you'd teach me how to bake," Marik said shyly, turning to Serenity.

"Does that mean you want to team up?" she asked, blushing a little. "That sounds wonderful."

Téa handed them an index card containing the recipe with a flourish. "Chocolate chip, guys," she said. "My favorite…"

"We'll make it extra-good, then," Serenity said with a smile.

"Since you're first, I'd advise you to take the electric mixer while you can," Ishizu told the two with a wink.

"Cool!" Marik cried, grabbing it with both hands.

"Hey!" Bakura said, scowling. "I was looking at that."

"Never mind," Ryou told him, grabbing his shirt and pulling him aside. "I'll work with you," he told his yami. Addressing Téa, he added, "someone has to make sure the eggs don't land on the ceiling."

Her eyebrows shot up in alarm. "Eggs on the ceiling? Has that actually happened?"

"Yeah," Ryou sighed. "The worst part is, he was trying to cook cereal."

Bakura smirked. "You didn't tell me the eggs weren't supposed to go in the cereal," he said petulantly.

"You guys can have sugar cookies," Téa said, handing Ryou the index card with the recipe on it with a sidelong glance at Bakura. "That doesn't sound too lethal. You can cook, right Ryou?"

"Sure," he said, smiling.

Bakura snorted and elbowed his hikari. "Everyone can tell you're gay," he teased.

Ryou flushed bright red and shoved his yami out of the way. "Cooking doesn't make you gay!" he said defensively. Marik snickered.

"No, being attracted to other boys does," Bakura said seriously.

"You're doing the mixing," Ryou grumbled, shoving the wire whisk into his yami's hand. "Brute labor is all you're cut out for."

"I resent that!" Bakura frowned.

Téa pressed a hand to her brow ruefully. "We have chocolate cookies and mint cookies left to cook-"

"I call chocolate!" Joey said immediately. She handed him the card, and he and Ishizu headed to where Téa kept the flavoring.

Seventy-five minutes, one and a half bags of flour, a dozen eggs, and assorted empty containers of ingredients later, the sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies were in the oven. The bowls containing the mint dough and the chocolate dough were neatly covered (to keep Joey and Tristan out) and stored next to the oven, and… well… they were the only neat things in the room. Including the people.

"Ryou? You weren't even _using_ chocolate powder. How did you get it in your hair?" Téa asked him, eyes wide. Ryou didn't need to use words, a simple glare at a sheepish-looking Joey and innocent-looking Bakura was enough. Téa shook her head and fingered her own hair, nicely powdered with a thick layer of flour.

Ishizu wiped her hands on a nearby towel, but as hard as she tried she couldn't get the butter off. "Agh!" she cried in frustration. "I'm so… greasy!"

"Come here and give me a hug, Tristan old-buddy," Joey grinned, holding out his arms. They dripped in raw egg.

"Serenity, how is it you're the only clean one?" Ryou grumbled. She blushed and looked at Marik.

"Marik didn't let anyone near me with any stray ingredients," she explained shyly. "By the way… thanks, Marik."

"I don't care that Serenity's clean," Tristan spoke up, rubbing the sugar off his face. "I want to know why Marik is green."

Marik shot him a glare. "You should know, Tristan! You were the one who dumped mint extract all over me!"

"Well, that explains your lovely smell," Téa joked, leaning forward and sniffing. "Whew! Lovely from a distance, at least. Gets a bit strong when I go up close and personal!"

All of a sudden…

* * *

_"Ryou and Bakura are perfect for each other!" Ishizu announced to Shadi, giving him an enthusiastic hug and bounding out of the room in her excitement._

* * *

Where the hell had that come from?

Ryou bent over to check in the oven. "Cookies are ready," he announced, grabbing an oven mitt.

* * *

"_Mmmmmm_," Joey emphasized, grabbing his seventh cookie and shoving it enthusiastically in his mouth.

"Slow down, Joey," Serenity said in alarm. "You'll choke."

"He're goo," Joey mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I don't speak that language," Ishizu said, raising her eyebrows. Joey managed to actually swallow enough to speak clearly:

"They're good."

"Hm," Bakura snorted. "I can cook."

"He means he can stir," Ryou whispered to Téa and Ishizu. Unfortunately, Bakura heard and glared at him.

"Hey, I'd like to see the Pharaoh try. I bet he's burning the Moto's house down as we speak!"

"Oh, that's right," Téa said thoughtfully. "He's cooking for Yugi tonight." She gave Bakura a reproachful look. "He will not set the house on fire."

* * *

_The flames reached to the ceiling._

* * *

"Oh my gosh!" Ishizu shrieked, jumping up. "Bakura, you have to go over there!"

"What?" Bakura asked, staring at her as if she were crazy.

"He's going to set the house on fire!" she said frantically.

"I just said that," Bakura said impatiently.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "He's _going_ to set the house on fire."

Téa buried her head in her hands and groaned. Bakura burst out laughing. Everyone else either closed their eyes or started shaking in laughter (yes, that was Marik).

"Go _over_ there," Ishizu urged. Bakura stopped chortling long enough to frown at her.

"Why do _I_ have to do it?" he whined.

She bit her lip. "Actually, on second thought, don't. You'll just make fun of him. Um, Ryou, you should probably get over there."

Ryou stood obediently, willing to help out a friend. Bakura jumped up as well. "You're right!" he announced. "I'll get to make fun of the Pharaoh!"

Ishizu walked with them to the front door and watched as they jogged off into the night. She rolled her eyes as Joey's snickering floated down the hall. Thoughtfully, she noticed what a nice picture Ryou and Bakura made as they swung around the bend. The two of them complimented each other nicely… Ryou's gentleness, Bakura's psychoticness, Ryou's sweet attitude, Bakura's kill-them attitude, Ryou's cuteness, Bakura's sexiness…

She spun around excitedly, inspiration striking. She would fix the two of them up!

Ishizu started to walk back into the kitchen, but found herself staring at Shadi. "Ishizu?" he said timidly, taking a step toward her. "I sensed some concern…"

"Ryou and Bakura are perfect for each other!" Ishizu announced to Shadi, giving him an enthusiastic hug and bounding out of the room in her excitement.

She left Shadi behind, wondering where the hell that had come from… and trying to figure out why Ishizu had been covered in butter.

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: Bakura and Ryou 'save' Yami. Ryou comes up with a 'clever' idea for Yami's much-anticipated meal for Yugi, and Bakura hurts people and walls. You know, the usual!_


	3. Godzilla

**What Better Use for Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

Chapter 3

* * *

"Idiot pharaoh! We're here to save your scrawny ass," Bakura announced casually, stepping in the screen door that led to the kitchen and stretching modestly. 

"Yami! No!" Ryou cried, horrified. The spiky haired boy stopped before he committed the act that would probably have made those flames reach the ceiling.

"Ryou! Thank goodness you're here!" Yami cried, setting the canister down and rushing over to give the white-haired boy a tight hug. "I don't know what I'm doing!"

Bakura stopped smirking and shot Yami a deadly scowl, which of course the Pharaoh ignored. "I can see that," he grumbled, grabbing a kitchen apron lying haphazardly in the corner and tossing it on top of the flames. He smiled proudly as they were smothered. "Ryou taught me that trick!" he said proudly. "When I lit that bacon on fire!"

"Yami," Ryou asked, wriggling out of his death grip, "Two things. Why were the meatballs on fire? And _why_ were you about to pour gasoline on the fire?"

Yami pouted. "I thought Yugi said gasoline and fire went together," he said sulkily.

"Well, _yes_," Ryou said, eyes wide. "But they go together to make– to make-" he flailed his arms around. "To make a big _boom! _Not good!"

"A big _boom_?" Bakura asked wonderingly. His eyes moved to the gasoline canister. He took a few steps toward it, then hesitated when he felt Ryou's eyes boring into his back. He looked up, scowling, to see his hikari shaking his head disapprovingly at him.

"It's a _bad_ big boom, Bakura," Ryou said patiently. "Yami shouldn't even have gasoline in the kitchen, anyway."

"I'll get rid of it!" Bakura announced. He focused his attention on his glowing Millennium Ring, and in seconds the canister disappeared.

"What did you do with it?" Ryou asked, blinking.

"Sent it to the Shadow Realm," Bakura smirked, stretching his arms languidly. "All in a day's work."

"You don't- oh, _Bakura_," Ryou said, exasperated. "Just… go stand in the corner and don't hurt anything. Yami and I will work something out."

"_Yami__ and I_," Bakura mimicked, stalking into the corner and glaring at the wallpaper determinedly. "Yeah, you go off with the stupid _Pharaoh_. Because why would you want _my_ sexy body when you could have his scrawny, short, ugly one? Oh, no contest there. Suuure, he's soo much more attractive than me. Riiiight. In Pharaoh's dreams! You know, you'd think_ my_ hikari would know better. That's right, you heard me! _My_ hikari!" He gave his blackest, most evil stare ever to the wallpaper. "_MINE!_"

"Bakura, _what_ are you _yelling_ about?" Ryou asked, pulling out a chair and sinking glumly into it. "Can you please be quiet while I try to help Yami?"

Bakura punched the wall. "I said he's _mine_!" he hissed at it. "Not that I would want him or anything! But _I_ say the Pharaoh can't have him! Hmp. Pharaoh probably just wants _his_ hikari anyway. The idiot and the runt are perfect for each other. And he better stay away from _my_ hikari!" He examined the damage he'd done to the wall with his repeated punches. Not bad. This would be hard to fix. Muahaha.

He risked a glance over his shoulder to find Ryou on the phone, tapping his foot impatiently. His hikari was so cute when he did that.

Oh, Ra. Why, why, _why_ did he keep having these thoughts? Stupid hikari. Stupid Pharaoh. Stupid runt. Stupid Bakura.

…no, that last part wasn't quite right.

"Okay," Ryou said, hanging up the phone. "I just ordered spaghetti and meatballs from that Italian restaurant across town. Just… pretend you cooked it, all right?"

"Il Fuoco?" Yami asked, brow furrowing as he settled himself on the counter. "I didn't know they delivered."

"They don't," Ryou said, looking down and blushing a little. "I had to promise them to pay triple. They sent over one of the busboys."

"You're going to pay them _triple_?" Yami asked incredulously. "Or do you mean I'm going to pay them triple? Meaning I'm going to take Yugi's money and pay them triple. All because I can't cook… Yugi's going to hate me!" And with that, the Great and Mighty Pharaoh drew his knees up to his chest and sniffled.

"Um… not exactly," Ryou mumbled. "I figured we could just let Bakura answer the door…"

Yami's head snapped up and he looked straight at the tomb robber. Bakura, shocked that his hikari was letting him have some _fun_, let a demonic grin creep over his face.

"Just don't kill him," Ryou pleaded.

'What, is Ryou crazy?' Bakura wondered innocently. 'Well, at least he hadn't outlawed torture. Man-Eater Bug, I hope you're hungry!'

* * *

Bakura had left to chase the poor guy around the neighborhood. Ryou quickly grabbed the bags the busboy dropped in fright, and handed them to Yami. "They're still hot. Put them on your house plates. Then send the containers they came in to the Shadow Realm, along with the rest of the mess in the kitchen you, uh, 'cleaned up' already. Then go watch _Godzilla_ with Yugi! Why you're watching _Godzilla_ while eating _spaghetti_ is beyond me…" Without so much as a 'good-bye', Ryou bounded off into the night. Bakura was nowhere to be seen, but Ryou trusted that he'd be back in their house in the morning. 

Yami nervously brought the dishes of food into the living room. At first glance, Yugi was nowhere to be seen, but as he approached the back of the couch he saw that Yugi was lying on it, dozing peacefully.

How precious… Yami dearly wished he had one of those 'kamra' things. The 'teknology' Yugi always talked about. He would really like a picture of his hikari like this. Of course, he got to see it every night… he often 'sleepwalked' into Yugi's room and ended up watching the adorable boy… but Yugi didn't actually drool every night. He debated wiping it away, but as he leaned over, the plate tilted. Flailing desperately, Yami managed to catch the food, but a lone meatball rolled off the edge and landed with a _smack_ on Yugi's shoulder.

The boy's violet eyes popped open and he sat up. "What the-"

"Dinner!" Yami chirped, pretending to help Yugi sit up while grabbing the meatball. At a loss what to do with it, he shoved the whole thing in his mouth. "Hmere's ymr mammetti."

"Here's my spaghetti?" Yugi guessed, accepting the plate. "Don't talk with your mouth full, Yami." He punctuated the admonishment with a sunny smile, and Yami smiled back. Or at least tried to. He found that he couldn't really move his lips too well with all the food packed in. He settled for praying to Ra that Yugi didn't notice the stain the meatball's sauce had left on the corner of his blue T-shirt.

Hmmm… that blue T-shirt was too loose on Yugi. The full-body leather was definitely a better look… well, better for looking, he should say. Well, at least Yugi's pants were leather. Of course, Yami would rather Yugi be standing. Or bending over, maybe. Or…

Not liking the turn these thoughts were taking, Yami managed to cram another meatball in his mouth as Yugi took his first bite.

He would go through this saga of events any day – cooking, setting things on fire, being taunted by Bakura, stealing from restaurants and lying – to see the look on Yugi's face again. The boy's big eyes lit up and…

Whew. Yami was glad that the situation was too weird for him to be turned on, because when Yugi 'mmmm'-ed in pleasure, his face turned bright red.

Yugi chewed happily for a moment, then noticed his yami's crimson face. "Yami? Are you choking?" he asked, voice full of concern. He helpfully reached over and pounded Yami's back. "Maybe two meatballs was too much," he suggested as Yami forced himself to chew the meat and swallow a little at a time. "Actually, I think one was probably enough." He watched Yami, eyes full of amusement, and sampled the spaghetti. "Oh, Yami! This is so good! I had no _idea_ you were such a good cook!"

"Uhm…" Yami said, deciding that he'd rather be choking than respond to Yugi's innocent comment. And maybe if he choked, Yugi would have to give him mouth-to-mouth to revive him!

But while he was pondering this, Yugi got up and flicked off the lights, then turned the movie on.

Yami ate the restaurant-made spaghetti peacefully. He probably should be watching the movie. But he'd found that if he tilted his head about 15 degrees to the side and moved it over about a foot, he could see Yugi's reflection in the TV screen.

"Yami?" Yugi asked quietly. "What are you doing? Why are you holding your head funny?"

The pharaoh flushed guiltily. "Me? Uh, nothing. Uh… well, _everyone_ in Ancient Egypt watched their TV this way! I'm just following tradition!"

Yugi diverted his attention fully from the screen. "What? What are you talking about, Yami? The television wasn't invented until-"

"Ooh! My favorite part!" Yami interrupted, staring at the screen as if enthralled. Then determinedly, he moved his head back to the way it had been.

Yugi stared at Yami a second before returning his own attention to the movie. Well, Yami was sure acting weird. But it didn't really matter… the way Yami's head was positioned, he could see it reflected in the TV screen. Yami looked awfully absorbed in the movie… he wished he could concentrate the same way. The purple-eyed boy let out a soft sigh as he stared dreamily at the reflection.

And as the two pined away for each other, Godzilla rampaged around the screen.

* * *

"Hi. I'm an idiot," Ishizu announced upon reentering the living room with Ryou in tow; she'd waited for him to get back, spending the time wisely. That is, beating herself up for latching onto Shadi like that. 

"Did you see _that_ in the Millennium Necklace?" Joey snickered.

Téa glared at him. "I wouldn't get on her bad side again," she said teasingly. "Who knows what she could do to you. Maybe she's seen some embarrassing stories…"

Joey blanched as Ishizu winked at him. "Like the time you were so hungry you tried to eat the neighbor's dog's food? And when your neighbor came running out of the house, you tried to run but slipped and fell in the mud puddle left over from the rain the day before? And then scared your neighbor's daughter by running past her and her friend's jump-roping game covered from head to foot in mud and dog hair?"

"That was forever ago!" Joey defended, putting his hands over his ears.

"Joey, that was Monday."

Serenity began chuckling, no doubt remembering when her brother had burst into the house wet, dirty, and very hungry. Marik gave her a shy smile, then turned to Ishizu curiously. "Why are you an idiot, big sister?"

Ishizu scowled. "I said something stupid, did something stupid, and left Shadi covered in butter."

When the room abruptly fell silent, she looked up. Everyone was staring at her with expressions ranging from horror to amusement. "Well… he can go tobogganing on hard surfaces easily now," she offered.

Shadi… tobogganing… oh dear Ra. The mental images that evoked… she shuddered. Scary.

"Oh no," Joey said, staring out the window. Ryou glanced casually over, did a double-take, then ran over and pressed his eyes against it.

"Oh, _Bakura_," Ryou moaned for the second time that evening.

* * *

Through his mind-link, Bakura heard his hikari's lament. He frowned a little… there were better ways Ryou could be moaning that. He'd be glad to help… 

For the record, he _had not_ admitted that. He put it out of his mind as he continued to chase the busboy through the streets. The fat kid could really move, or maybe there was just something about having your life threatened by someone obviously unstable.

Yes, he was unstable and _proud_ of it!

* * *

**Notes:** That tobogganing comment- there's a story behind that. A weird one. Skip the next paragraph if you've already had your fair share of insanity for today:

I was reading a parody of the movie Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, and I got to the part where Denethor poured oil all over Faramir. The parody had a note that read something like this: "Faramir covered in oil, ladies- think of all the things you could do with that." My first thought: Play hockey with him! My second thought: He could go tobogganing! By the third time around, though, I figured things out… but ever since, I've had a certain fondness for tobogganing. I figure butter should work as well as oil.

…Feel free to ignore me at your convenience.

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: A week later, Ishizu decides to get things moving. She picks the 'perfect way' to get Seto and Joey together… Also, Bakura is blunt. Far too blunt._


	4. Sneaking

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

Chapter 4

* * *

Ishizu frowned thoughtfully and tapped her finger against her chin. She needed to get serious. It had been a week since the cookie-baking incident and things had settled down to- well, not normal, not with two five-thousand year old spirits wandering the town and Seto apparently believing that Joey was a dog (or perhaps he was joking), but once again it was pretty boring.

Since her Millennium Necklace was being decidedly stubborn, she was doing this the hard way; making a list. Her focus at the moment were Seto Kaiba and Joey Wheeler. Why? Because the day before, while she was working at the museum, Seto came storming in, making various threats.

Eventually, she figured out that he was looking for a puppy. Before she could suggest trying the Wheeler residence, Mokuba and a black lab had come charging into the room, giggling. Well, at least Mokuba was. The puppy was barking.

The fact that he'd had to make good on his promise to Mokuba to buy him a dog combined with the realization that the dog Mokuba chose was about as hyper as the boy was, not to mention that the puppy and Mokuba had both gone charging into the museum as they walked by and he'd had to chase them, made Seto grumpy. Even grumpier than usual. And he'd taken it out on Ishizu.

After plotting twenty different ways to make his life miserable/slip itching powder down his pants/steal all his beloved trenchcoats, she'd remembered his crush on Joey and decided that being in a loving relationship simply _had_ to soften a person. So she was going to put Seto into a loving relationship.

Hopefully Joey wouldn't mind.

* * *

Ishizu's list:

_1) Kidnap Joey and leave him tied and gagged on Seto's front doorstep. Let lust- er, love, take things from there._

_2) Knock out Seto and dump him on Joey's bed. Make sure that all those nursey-type things are there so Joey can care for him._

_3) Get them both in the same, locked, enclosed area._

_4) Slip some drugs in Seto's drink._

_5) Get Marik to use the Millennium Rod._

* * *

Why Ishizu crossed off most of the items on the list:

_1) Lust probably _would_ take things from there. And that'd probably just make Seto even more grumpy. Besides, kidnapping Joey probably isn't a very good idea._

_2) Joey as a nurse? You've got to be kidding me._

_3) We'll keep this one for now…_

_4) Drugs are illegal, aren't they?_

_5) That's immoral. Do I care? Hmm…_

* * *

She circled number three.

* * *

Ishizu's list of possible locked, enclosed areas:

_1) The boy's bathroom._

_2) Seto's bathroom._

_3) Seto's bedroom._

* * *

There was something wrong with all of them, but she couldn't put her finger on it. There were the technical difficulties, of course, but that wasn't it. There was still room for interference in all these scenarios.

Hmm… what was a place where Seto and Joey were guaranteed to be alone? Somewhere they couldn't possibly escape? Somewhere they were bound to stick together?

The Millennium Necklace gave a little flash. Not much, but she saw Bakura chasing the delivery boy from Il Fuoco a week ago. He was holding the Man-Eater bug, which had come from…

* * *

_4) The Shadow Realm._

* * *

"Hey, Téa?" Joey called after the brunette. "What was the Algebra homework again?"

"Jo-ey," she sighed in frustration, even as she swung her backpack off her shoulder. "It was on the board the whole class!"

"Hey, it was the last period," Joey said, grinning sheepishly. "I was excited and I wasn't really paying attention."

"Page 368," Téa read from her notes as Joey scrambled for a pencil and paper. "Numbers 5 through 20 and numbers 23, 24, and 26."

"Thanks!" Joey said, scribbling furiously. Téa put her things away and lifted her head.

"It's a beautiful day," she murmured, inhaling deeply. "You can tell it's spring."

"Yeah," Joey said, looking around. "Glad we're out of that stuffy building. Learning makes my head hurt!"

"Hello," Ryou greeted as he and Bakura approached the two. Yugi and Yami wandered over as well. "Do you guys want to go anywhere? It's too nice a day to go right home."

"I hate school," Bakura muttered.

"I hate school more than you," Yami muttered back.

"If Ryou didn't give me the answers through our mindlink, I'd fail," Bakura smirked.

"Oh yeah? Yugi gives me the answers too!" Yami sneered.

"Uh, can you keep it down?" Yugi asked, glancing nervously at a passing teacher.

"Hello!" Ishizu said brightly, appearing over Téa's shoulder.

"Ah!" Téa exclaimed, startled. "Oh, wow. You scared me."

"I did?" she asked, placing a hand over her heart. "So sorry."

"Why are _you_ here?" Yami asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Ah, to pass a message on from Marik to Bakura," she answered vaguely. "Actually, Bakura, can I have a word with you?" Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed his arm and pulled him away, well aware that she was risking her life by doing so.

That sounded awfully dramatic, huh?

"What are you doing?" Bakura growled, supremely annoyed.

"Like I said, Marik had something to tell you," she said sweetly, dragging him behind a car. "Crouch down."

"What?" he yelped, before she yanked on his shirt and he fell to his knees.

He probably would have killed her for that, or at least severely maimed her, but Shadi, who had been crouching uncomfortably in his white robes, stuck a key into his head.

(For all fangirls growling menacingly, it didn't _hurt_ Bakura. It was the Millennium Key. You know, magic? Seto Kaiba, stop rolling your eyes.)

"Thanks!" Ishizu said, grinning. "So I just touch the Key and I can go into his head?"

"Ishizu, I cannot believe I agreed to this," Shadi said disapprovingly, dusting off his robe.

"Me either!" she chirped. "I thought for sure I'd have to use Marik and his Millennium Rod." He opened his mouth to say something else, but she felt a blush growing on her face- damnit- and quickly touched the Key.

The world warped around her briefly, and she found herself in a… torture chamber? Oh, gods, she hoped Ryou didn't know.

Picking her way through sets of handcuffs, a collection of daggers, and a Rack (where had Bakura learned about those? School, probably), she reached one of the walls of Bakura's soul room. Tentatively, she put a hand on the wall and concentrated.

_Seto and Joey…_

_They have insulted you…_

_They must be sent to the Shadow Realm…_

* * *

"How'd you get so dirty?" Ryou asked in shock as his yami rejoined their group.

"Huh?" Bakura asked dazedly. "Oh…" he glanced down at the knees of his school uniform, covered in streaks of tar and filth. "I don't know."

Ryou hesitated. "Okay… did you get the message from Marik?"

"Yeah," Bakura responded automatically. His brow furrowed; he had, right? Well, it didn't matter, Marik would tell him tomorrow.

Joey, meanwhile, had had his attention diverted.

"Joey, are you growling?" Yugi asked in alarm.

"Kaiba…" Joey sneered, eyes flashing. "He's such an arrogant no-good jerk!"

Sure enough, the object of Joey's annoyance was stalking out of the building, clutching his laptop. He'd somehow changed from his school uniform into the usual impressive trenchcoat, which was floating behind him. (Ishizu once had a random but amusing vision of how he accomplished that. A few wires and a lot of starch, all done by his subordinates, of course.) Of course, thanks to a nicely-timed vision Ishizu had had, she was possibly the only one who knew that Seto Kaiba wasn't really the object of Joey's annoyance. And what Joey really meant when he said "arrogant no-good jerk" was "arrogant drool-worthy sex god".

Joey's comment caught Bakura's attention. He lifted his gaze away from Ryou and glanced from Joey to Seto. From Joey to Seto.

Seto opened his mouth to make some disparaging comment, likely to be an insult to Joey, but Bakura acted first (amazing reflexes born from a previous lifetime of robbing tombs and narrowly escaping death).

He sent Seto Kaiba to the Shadow Realm.

"Whoa!" Joey blinked, seeing his rival/crush disappear before his eyes. Usually in his dreams, things between him and Seto progressed much further before Seto magically disappeared, leaving him completely crushed. How depressing.

Luckily, Joey didn't have to be confused for long. Bakura sent him to the Shadow Realm next.

"Bakura?" Ryou asked blankly. "What did you do?"

"Sent them to the Shadow Realm," Bakura scowled.

"_WHY_?"

"They insulted me!"

In the parking lot, a car pulled away, leaving Ishizu and Shadi exposed. Shadi was glaring at Ishizu, who quickly grabbed his hand and dragged him off school grounds. Her work here was done.

* * *

"Why on _earth_ did that idiot send us to the Shadow Realm?" Seto scowled. It seemed like scowling was all he did lately.

Joey clutched his head. What with the rather wild trip to the Shadow Realm, the fact that he was _in_ the Shadow Realm, and the fact that he was stuck in the Shadow Realm with his worst enemy, who by the way claimed that he was a better duelist and that Joey was a puppy dog… he had just a little-itty-bitty headache. If you count Red-Eyes Black Dragon, Blue-Eyes White Dragon, and the Dark Magician blasting each other away in his skull a little-itty-bitty headache.

"Kaiba, he's five-thousand years old. He used to live in a piece of jewelry. He was a tomb robber. He's best friends with Marik. He knocked out Pegasus and stole the Millennium Eye and kept it for a month before Yami caught on. He's insane! He doesn't _need_ a reason!"

Seto didn't really have anything to say to that, so he scowled. This was becoming a bad habit. Maybe he should start glowering…

"Anyway," Joey was saying, "we're stuck here until Ryou and Yugi can get us out. If they give Bakura the pouty-faces long enough, he usually gives in."

"How long will that take?" Seto asked grumpily.

Joey considered. "It took about a week with Téa."

"Why'd Bakura send Téa to the Shadow Realm?"

Joey shrugged. "She complimented him on the really dorky pants Ryou make him wear."

Seto shook his head; Téa was one of the few people he could look at without feeling murderous urges. "You try to do something nice for someone…"

Joey suddenly began snickering. Seto glared at him. "What's so funny?" he demanded.

In a very sincere tone, Joey said, "Hey, Kaiba, maybe we can get together and play Duel Monsters sometime!" Switching tones, he snarled, "Ha. I'd have more of a challenge playing Solitaire."

Seto flushed, then, because there was nothing else to do, scowled. Joey ignored him and began glancing idly around. There wasn't much to see; the fog was too thick.

Finally Seto broke the silence: "A week."

"Well," Joey said, shrugging elaborately, "it might have been sooner, but Yami kept yelling at Bakura and making him very determined not to bring Téa back. Bakura once sent Tristan to the Shadow Realm, but Yugi made sure Yami was out dueling that day- he didn't get a chance to lecture. Tristan was back by nighttime. Yami already knows we're here, but as long as he doesn't lose his temper, we're golden."

* * *

"Baka tomb robber!" Yami bellowed.

"Stupid pharaoh!" Bakura screamed back.

Ryou and Yugi exchanged unhappy looks. "I wish we could calm them down," Ryou whispered.

"Guys!" Téa tried to intervene. "Guys, stop!"

"You're careless!" Yami screeched.

"You're incompetent!" Bakura shot back.

"Insignificant!"

"Arrogant!"

"Even more arrogant!"

"Spoiled!"

"Selfish!"

"Drama Queen!"

"Drama _King_," Yugi interjected.

"Drama King!" Bakura snapped.

"THAT'S DRAMA _PHARAOH_ TO YOU, YOU_ INFERIOR, PATHETIC DUELIST_!" Yami screeched, stomping a booted foot (which made his mass of chains rattle).

"OH, GO_ SCREW _YOUR_ HIKARI_!" Bakura hollered, before wheeling around and storming away.

Yugi froze. Ryou felt his face flaming red and shot Yugi a careful look. Yami opened his mouth to reply, realized what Bakura had said, and tried to retreat into the Millennium Puzzle before he realized he had his own body this time. He rubbed the bruise on his forehead (caused when he'd tried to ram his head into the Puzzle), took one look at Yugi, and turned heel. As he sprinted away, he called something over his shoulder about 'visiting his good friend Weevil Underwood,' and Ryou realized how desperate he was.

"I'm sorry Bakura said that!" Ryou said quickly. Yugi didn't answer; he seemed to be in a cationic state.

"Yugi?" Téa questioned, but a giggle escaped her lips. "Oh- I'm sorry-" she quickly said, struggling to compose her face. The smile wouldn't go away, however. "Are you okay?" After another stream of laughter, she gave up and turned quickly away. "Um I have to go see about Joey let you know if I find out anything!"

Ryou debated scampering away from this embarrassing situation, but that would mean leaving a paralyzed Yugi behind. What if it started to rain?

"Um… Yugi?" Ryou asked cautiously. No answer.

"Yugi, I'm sorry about Bakura… I don't think he was serious…"

Was it possible to go that long without blinking?

"Yugi?" he tried once more. When he still didn't receive an answer, he sighed.

"Yugi, please don't make me drag you home…"

"Yugi?"

"Yugi?"

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: Joey and Seto are having lots and lots of fun in the Shadow Realm, you can be sure. And things back home just keep getting better, starting with Ryou and Yugi in the parking lot, and Bakura's great adventure._


	5. Sugar

**What Better Use** **For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

I decided to go for something new and gave you some of Shadi's perspective this chapter. Tell me how ya like it. Warning: It's about as OOC as it gets. It's absolutely psychotic. I think these chapters are only going to get stranger…

_/blah/_ Ryou to Bakura

_/blah/_ Bakura to Ryou

The above might change in future chapters. Don't worry about that now.

* * *

Chapter 5

* * *

"Hey, uh- Ishizu?"

Up until Téa showed up, Shadi and Ishizu had been walking alone. The trail, starting near the school, wound its way through the peaceful woods. The sun was shining through the green trees and birds were softly chirping. Ishizu was humming happily, Shadi was with the girl of his dreams no matter how much he denied having those dreams, and everything was idyllic. Then Téa so rudely interrupted them…

Yeah, right. This is what really happened:

Shadi and Ishizu had dashed away from the school at top speed, covered in dirt and gravel and even melted tar, because the sun was so damn hot it melted the pavement. They'd escaped into the woods, but there was no water and Shadi was _thirsty_, and he could have sworn the birds were laughing at them. Ishizu was humming happily because she'd tricked her younger brother's friend; started a giant screaming match between a tomb robber and a pharaoh; paralyzed Yugi; gotten Seto and Joey, two sworn enemies, sent to the Shadow Realm; and did it all in the name of love. Shadi was annoyed because although Ishizu was the girl- or woman, whichever- of his dreams, somehow reality never went precisely the way his dreams did. When Téa rushed up, he could have kissed her for providing a distraction from said sucky reality, except that he didn't want to kiss her, he wanted to kiss Ishizu, who was part of the sucky reality and therefore he couldn't, so he didn't kiss anyone and instead just stood there and looked disapproving.

That didn't even make _sense_. And the damned birds were still chirping, which meant they were really still secretly laughing at him.

They were talking about the Millennium Items and the Shadow Realm and Seto and Joey, so Shadi tuned them out. He was sick of the stupid Millennium Items (if they weren't causing great evil or putting the world in danger or housing absolute psychos, they were the reason a fellow Millennium Item holder was roping him into playing Cupid-with-a-turban). He was sick of the Shadow Realm (people were being sent there about every five minutes now. Fine, if they weren't smart enough to run away screaming when they got within ten miles of Bakura, Marik, Yami in too-tight and painful leather or a PMSing Ishizu, they deserved to be sent to the Shadow Realm). And he was sick of Seto and Joey (thinking about those two took time away from dreaming about Ishizu, fuming about Ishizu, crying because of Ishizu, running away from Ishizu, and chasing after Ishizu).

"Bakura will get them out," Ishizu assured Téa. "Possibly sometime if he's in the mood."

"But…" Téa said hopelessly. "But what can I _do_?"

"Absolutely nothing. Stop trying." Ishizu beamed. "They're much happier this way, I'm telling you."

* * *

"Lemme go!" Joey yelped. "Lemme go or I swear I'll…"

"Let me guess," Seto said sarcastically. "Make more threats you cannot possibly follow through on? Puppy's bark is worse than his bite… in fact, I think the puppy probably doesn't have any teeth at all." He shifted his arm casually- the arm that was holding Joey's head in an airtight lock.

"Oh, I bite," Joey said angrily. He would have, too, except after lunging forward, he realized that the only part of Seto's body he could reach in this particular position was his crotch, and he firmly told himself that _no_, he didn't really want to do that. Yet. In the Shadow Realm. So he turned the other way, attempted to bite Kaiba's arm, couldn't do it, and resumed the threats. "Lemme go!"

The smirk on Seto's face was so infuriating- okay, so he couldn't _see_ Seto's face, but he could _feel_ the smirk. "I'll… I'll…" Inspiration struck: "I'll tickle you!"

"What?" Seto asked in alarm, scary visions of a sugar-high Mokuba dancing through his head, but it was too late. Joey had one arm free, and he flung it around Seto's waist, thanking… whoever cared… that his arm was long and Seto's waist was slender, and started tickling for all he was worth.

Immediately, Seto's grip loosened and Joey squirmed free. But, since this was the first time in his life he'd had the advantage over Seto Kaiba, he kept up the attack. "TICKLE-MONSTER!" he hollered, not caring how stupid he sounded. Seto was on the ground, writhing, letting out choked noises that _might_ have been laughter if it was laughter coming from a dying duck.

Somewhere behind them, the shadows shifted and a slender figure appeared. The Dark Magician peered at them for a few moments, trying to figure out if it was worth it to interfere. Guiltily, he pictured Yami and Joey dueling side by side, as they had when he was Yami's Deck Master. With a sigh, he floated forward to try and stop, uh, whatever in Ra's name was going on.

* * *

Ishizu blinked. Normally, a blink wouldn't be worthy to note, but this was a special blink. In the short time she closed her eyes, a rather… unsettling vision occurred…

* * *

_"I'll kill you!" Seto Kaiba hollered, clambering to his feet and rushing at Joey. Joey, up until then, had been being held by the arms by the taller Dark Magician. But upon seeing Seto rushing at him in an entirely different manner than what he'd generally hope for, he panicked. Kicking the Dark Magician in the shin and rushing away when the Dark Magician's grip loosened, Joey ran for his life._

_

* * *

_

"On the other hand, perhaps it would be a good idea to find Bakura now," Ishizu suggested casually.

* * *

"I'll send you to the Shadow Realm," Bakura growled. "No- I'll summon monsters _from_ the Shadow Realm! A-haha, they'll eat you alive. Or perhaps it would be better if I slit your throat and roasted your brains…"

"You know, that's really _gross_," Mokuba Kaiba commented. "Do you think he ran upstairs?"

"I have a specially sharp dagger," Bakura threatened. "It's right here…" he reached for the shiny-pretty-dagger at his belt, but frowned when he found its sheath empty. So _that's_ why Ryou had that guilty look! _Never_ trust the cute ones. Like Mokuba, for instance.

"Thanks for helping me track down my new dog," Mokuba said sweetly. "I'd ask Seto but I don't know where he is."

Bakura grumbled. "I can't believe you need help finding a puppy in your own house." He paused: "I can't believe you _lost_ your own puppy in your own house!" And then again: "I can't believe you roped me into helping you find your lost dog!"

Mokuba ignored him. "Maybe we should try calling the dog by name," he suggested.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "Well, _there's_ a suggestion," he said sarcastically. "What's the dog's name?"

"Sugar!"

Bakura stared at Mokuba. Mokuba gazed back with large eyes.

Bakura sighed and cleared his throat, thanking Ra that Ryou wasn't around. "Uh… Sugar! Sugar! Suu-gar! Sugar? Sugar… _Sugar_? _SUGAR, I COMMAND YOU TO COME FORTH!"_

* * *

"Um, okay," Ryou said tentatively. "Maybe this will work?" Cautiously, he reached over and prodded Yugi in the side. Nothing happened.

"Come _on_, Yugi!" he said in frustration. "I tried dumping water on your head. All that happened was that you're now wet. I pinched your nose and put my hand over your mouth, but after about two minutes, I figured it probably wasn't healthy to stop breathing and anyway you still weren't responding. I tried smelling salts, but the strongest-smelling thing I had was a marker, and that accidentally got too close to your nose." He looked at the black smudge on Yugi's face. "And poking you in the stomach isn't working!"

Normally, when you yell, you take a deep breath. Ryou was about to yell, but it was mentally. After wasting about three minutes wondering if he could take a deep breath mentally, he just did it.

_/YAMIIIII/_

_/Sugar/_

_/Wha-at/_

_/Ryou/_

Yes_, I'm Ryou, not 'Sugar'. Who is 'Sugar'/_

_/…a dog/_

_/Really/_

_/No, I enjoy lying to you/_

_/You _do

_/Oh, Ra, I'm not lying. Sugar is a dog and Mokuba is a brat. What do you want/_

_/Yugi's… stuck/_

_/'Stuck'/_

_/Yeah. He hasn't moved in the last half hour/_

_/Well, punch him in the stomach or stab him in the arm or something/_

_/Bakura! I couldn't do _that

_/Well, bring him over here and _I'll_ do it. It should be fun/_

Ryou hesitated. _/Won't that hurt him/_

_/How stupid _are_ you/_

_/What/_

_/No, it won't hurt him at all/_

_/Um… okay, I guess. Say, where are you/_

_/The Kaiba Mansion/_

_/You're not _robbing_ it, are you/_

_/Ryou, you just don't trust me at all, do you/_

_/Of course not/_

_/What'd you do with my dagger/_

_/…oops…/_

_/Sugar/_

_/WHAT/_

_/I see the dog. Ryou, just come over here! Now/_

_/Uh… okay…/_

Bakura didn't answer after that. With a sigh, Ryou stepped up to Yugi. "Uh…" he said, wondering how strong he was. He tentatively grasped Yugi's hand and pulled. Yugi nearly fell over, but Ryou was still holding his arm. "Oh, dear," the boy said, sighing. "Here we go…"

* * *

Ishizu, Shadi, and Téa backtracked so they'd wind up at the school again. When they stepped in the parking lot, they discovered Yugi, literally lying in Ryou's arms.

"_No!_" Ishizu screeched, rushing forward. "No, no, no, you've got it all wrong! Ryou, you don't belong with _Yugi_, you belong with Bak-" She stopped when she saw that Yugi was actually being dragged very slowly across the ground by Ryou.

"What did you say, Ishizu?" Ryou asked, sweating heavily with the exertion. "What about Bakura?"

"Oh, just wondering where he is," she said, assuming a very casual pose.

"He's at the Kaiba mansion," Ryou said heavily. "I have to bring Yugi there. Bakura said he'd wake him up."

Ishizu thought about telling Ryou that Bakura really wasn't the best choice and a medical expert would be much wiser, but it seemed like a nice gesture on Bakura's part. Maybe it would bring them closer together. Well, Yugi could deal, right? Perhaps if he was hurt more, Yami would have to stick by his side 24/7.

"Well, drag away!" she said, beaming. "We'll follow you!"

Ryou started to protest, but Shadi was still thirsty and therefore cranky. "Hold on," he grumbled. "I'll use my Millennium Key to bring us directly there. I usually save that trick for intimidating people at parties, or on blimps…" Ignoring the strange looks he was receiving, he focused on the Key and their surroundings blurred.

"I think I'm going to throw up," Ryou declared, falling to his knees.

"Hikari? How did you learn to do that?"

Ryou gazed directly up to see Bakura towering over him, looking annoyed and confused. "Eep!" he eep-ed, and fell over backwards.

Bakura rolled his eyes, annoyed, and his eyes fell on Shadi. "Oh. That explains it. I _knew_ Ryou couldn't do cool-scary magic."

"Hey!" Ryou protested, but he was cut off.

"Hiya, everyone!" Mokuba said cheerfully. "Meet Sugar!" With a bark, the puppy Black Labrador jumped atop Yugi, happily licking his face.

"What?" Yugi muttered, fluttering his eyes several times. "Yami? Is that you?" (Ishizu stifled a grin, but poorly. Shadi glared at her.)

"You _wish_," Bakura sneered. Realizing that this sort of thing was what caused the whole paralyzed-Yugi incident in the first pace, Ryou decided this would be an opportune time to stomp on Bakura's foot. Unfortunately, he was still on his rear end, so instead he had to settle for pounding Bakura's foot with a fist with all of his strength. Bakura glanced down to see if a mouse had run over his foot or something, but all he saw was Ryou cowering. Ryou had been smart to cower, because Bakura was _scary_ and _psychotic_ when he was angry (and even most of the time when he wasn't, but it didn't matter because he was angry most of the time), but it wasn't quite so smart of him to try and hide behind Bakura's leg. A scuffle ensued, but this ended up escaping Ishizu's attention. She was trying to make sure Yugi was okay, because if he died it would be awfully hard for him to date Yami.

"Bakura?" Téa asked, the only one in the group to actually keep her focus. "Would you mind bringing Seto and Joey back from the Shadow Realm?"

Bakura looked up guiltily. In self-defense, Ryou had latched onto his leg, wrapping all four limbs around Bakura's leg. Bakura, in retaliation, had been pulling Ryou's hair. This made for an interesting picture, but he remained the dignity that was inherent in a tomb robber. He pouted and said, "I don't wanna!"

"Please?" Téa offered. For some reason, she was under the belief that Bakura was a normal, sensible person that could be persuaded through politeness.

"No!"

"Please?" Ryou asked, for some reason turning his death-grip on Bakura's leg into a hug. Bakura glanced down in alarm, letting go of Ryou's hair, as Ryou nuzzled his face against Bakura's knee. "Pretty please?" he asked sweetly again, cocking his head and making his eyes as large as possible.

"N-no!" Bakura managed to choke out. Abruptly, Ryou's soft-deer look was replaced by a sour look reminiscent of a giraffe that had swallowed a lemon. (Bakura had actually seen that once. And no, he _hadn't_ had anything to do with that unfortunate incident at the zoo.)

"Damn you!" Ryou said, hitting Bakura's knee once more with his fist. Bakura howled, because Ryou had chanced to hit a sensitive spot, and took a swipe at his hikari. Unfortunately, the added weight of Ryou on his leg caused him to overbalance, falling next to Yugi (lying on the floor with the dog sitting on top of him), at the feet of Téa, Ishizu, and Shadi, and right in front of Mokuba.

"The Shadow Realm?" he asked in a quivery voice. "Big-brother Seto?"

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: Seto and Joey make a not-so-triumphant return and Ryou is a klutz._


	6. Confession

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

The song "I think I love you" belongs to the Partridge Family. Just know that it's not mine.

A refresher; baka: idiot, inu: dog. Normally I would try not to throw in random Japanese words into an English fic but I think I explained it in here!

* * *

Chapter 6

* * *

Bakura was being bombarded by puppy-dog eyes on all sides, so he squeezed his eyes shut and hoped for it all to go away. First in his mind- not that that _meant_ anything- was Ryou, who won the prize for best. He wasn't biased, either. Next to Ryou was Yugi, who definitely possessed the biggest eyes. Mokuba was most-watery, hands-down, and to call more attention to that fact he threw in a few extra sniffles. 

Not only giving him the most genuine puppy-eyes but licking his hand to boot was Sugar. And then there was Téa. He suspected this was her first time trying the puppy-eyes; she was doing fairly well even if she was a little shaky and he was pretty sure Yugi was giving her whispered instructions. But the tentativeness just added an aspect of more accursed… cu-… cut-… okay, he could _say_ this- cuteness. Blast!

Ishizu's Millennium Necklace chose that convenient moment to…

* * *

_She recognized the room from other visions that she'd had- the control room of the Kaiba mansion. This had all the security cameras and microphones that linked most rooms of the mansion, so Seto and Mokuba would always have the fullest safety. The control panel for Seto and Mokuba's personal chambers (bedroom, bathroom, etc) was set off to one side._

_Yugi__, Téa, Ryou, Bakura, and Joey were in there, arguing amongst themselves. As Ishizu watched in interest, Ryou backed up several steps and bumped into a switch._

_It was labeled "Two-way microphone"._

* * *

"Psst! Shadi!" Ishizu hissed. "I need you to do me a favor!" 

"What?" Shadi asked.

"A _favor_! I know you're mad at me," she whispered, "but-"

"_What_?"

"Stop fooling around!" she said, still trying to keep her voice low. "This is importan-"

"_WHAT?_"

"Shadi!" she screeched, stamping her foot.

"Wait a second…" Shadi lifted the edge of his turban, exposing his ears. "It slipped. Sorry. What were you saying?"

She debated strangling him, or at least smacking him in the face, but suddenly remembered what happened _last_ time she smacked him in the face. "Um…" she said, completely losing her train of thought. "Oh, right. Er, listen."

"I'm _listening_," he said impatiently. Why, oh why him?

"There's this control room. There are two guards in it, I think."

"In here? In this mansion?"

"Of _course_ in here," Ishizu said, giving him a patient look. "I'll give you directions in a minute. But I need you to get rid of the two guards."

"_What_?"

She lifted the edge of the turban again, but he shoved her hand away. "I can hear you perfectly well," he said, scowling. "But I can't believe what you want me to do."

"Well, you don't have to _hurt_ them," she said defensively. "Just, you know. Make sure they're out of my way for a few minutes."

No way would he agree to this. No matter how pretty Ishizu looked. (_damn_) Or how sweetly she smiled at him. (_Ra, why do you hate me?)_ Or how warm her hands were when she beseechingly lifted his hand and took it in hers. (_I wonder how I can get the guards out of her way…)_

* * *

"You know, Bakura," Ishizu said, sticking her head in the mass of puppy-dog-eyes on various faces. "Seto and Joey are about to kill each other in the Shadow Realm." 

"That's good news," Bakura said, perking up slightly, while Mokuba and the rest of the sane ones looked properly horrified.

"No, it's not," she intoned dramatically. "Because then _you_ can't do it."

"What?" he asked, annoyed. "No one deprives me of my fun!"

"So you'll bring them back?" Téa asked eagerly.

Bakura looked from Ryou to Yugi to Mokuba. "Yes," he said, sniffing. "Of my own free will and decision, of course." Ryou clamped his mouth shut, fearing that if he so much as smiled, Bakura would change his mind.

Raising his arms dramatically and mumbling a few Egyptian/random words (Ryou had never seen him do that before; he was probably just trying to be impressive, especially since the words sounded suspiciously like _baka__ priest and inu Wheeler_), Bakura created a cloud of swirling black a few feet down the hall, which quickly materialized into Seto and Joey.

They were just in time - Seto had both hands around Joey's neck, while Joey was still trying desperately to tickle him even as his face turned blue. They were both kicking furiously at each other, and the Dark Magician was advancing on them, ready to pry them apart.

The Dark Magician?

"Didn't see that one coming," Ishizu said, surprisingly cheerful.

"Big brother!" Mokuba cried, torn between horror and delight. An interesting combination, Ishizu noted.

Seto abruptly stopped trying to throttle Joey. Joey, on the other hand, took full advantage.

"Joey, stop!" Téa cried.

"Joey, stop," Yugi and Ryou echoed.

"Hehe," Bakura snickered.

"Oh, for crying out loud," the Dark Magician spoke, rolling his eyes. He stuck his staff between the two and used it as a lever to pry them apart. Joey rolled three times down the hall and clambered to his feet next to Yugi. Seto, not wanting to climb up in such an undignified manner, because that would mean he hadn't wanted to be on the floor in the first place, merely assumed a position as if he were sunbathing on the beach. He folded his arms behind his head, crossed his legs, and pretended that that was where he wished to be the whole time.

"You can talk?" Téa asked, wisely addressing her question to the most sane member of the room. It was too bad he was actually a Duel Monster, or maybe he could take her away from her loony friends.

"_Yes_," he said huffily, annoyed at being in a room with said loony friends. "And now I shall be returning to my home." Catching sight of Yugi, he instantly composed himself. "Good-bye, oh loved one of the Pharaoh my master," he said, bowing, then vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Yugi froze again. Luckily for him, Bakura was there this time.

_Whaa-ack_

"Ow…" Yugi mumbled.

"Bakura!" Téa said, sounding outraged. "That wasn't very nice!"

"I know," he said, sounding pleased with himself.

"Well, now that we're all together," Ishizu said happily. _According to my vision, it's time to break up!_

Seto snorted and finally climbed to his feet. He faced them with great dignity. "Get. Out."

"Wave bye-bye to Seto, children," Ishizu said, still beaming.

"Seto!" Mokuba charged after his older brother, Sugar skidding behind. And Ishizu trailed right after them.

Mokuba caught up with Seto before the hallway ended. Seto glanced behind, saw Yugi and co still standing there, and quickly dragged Mokuba down a side hallway to give him a giant hug out of sight. Ishizu and Sugar were the only witnesses.

"How adorable," Ishizu smiled.

"Hey!" Seto snapped, abruptly whirling on her.

"I was _talking_," Ishizu said, "to Sugar."

Seto growled, but seemed to feel that he'd had enough stress for one day. Gripping Mokuba's hand, he headed down the hall to what she fervently hoped was his private rooms, Ishizu trailing all the way.

* * *

"So, uh, where do we go?" Yugi asked uncertainly. 

"Out?" Ryou offered.

"Follow me!" Bakura declared, picking a hallway at random and marching down it. None of them budged. "Or I'll send you all to the Shadow Realm," he threatened. They all scurried after. They soon came to a door: "Hmm, this looks important," Bakura said, laughing evilly and tugging at the handle. To his surprise and mild disappointment, it was unlocked, meaning he didn't have to break it down or send it to the Shadow Realm or anything. He went in anyway, to discover a rather boring-looking room. Lots of buttons, though. He wondered what would happen if he pressed anything. Or everything.

"Why isn't this room guarded?" Yugi wondered aloud. "It looks like a control room."

"Well, we can find our way out through here," Téa reasoned. "It must have directions or something."

"Are you crazy?" Joey asked, grinning. "We're in Seto Kaiba's control room! We won't have many opportunities like this!"

"Jo-ey," Ryou said disapprovingly.

Bakura grinned. "For once, I agree with him!"

"We can't stay here," Yugi said firmly.

"Oh, come on, Yug!" Joey pleaded.

"Joey, that's awful!" Téa said.

"_I'm_ staying," Bakura said stubbornly.

* * *

"So, you love Joey, right?" Ishizu asked the second they entered the private chambers. Or rather, when Seto and Mokuba entered, Seto tried to close the door but both Sugar and Ishizu slipped through. 

The proclamation was so sudden that Seto opened his mouth automatically. A few seconds later, he snapped, "NO!"

"Not a more creative form of denial?" Ishizu pestered. "It's unhealthy, you know."

"I don't lo- l- lo- love Wheeler!" Seto snapped.

"Oh yes you do!" Mokuba insisted, tugging at Seto's hand. "You do you do!"

"Mokuba!" Seto said, aghast. "You promised never to say Joey's name in this house!"

"But I _haven't_!" Mokuba said proudly. "You just love him, is all."

"I _don't_," Seto insisted stubbornly.

"Do." Ishizu said plaintively.

"Do!" Mokuba agreed.

"Don't!"

"Do."

"Do!"

"DON'T!"

"Do."

"_DOOOOOOOOOO!"_

"Fine," Seto snapped. Ishizu idly wondered where the microphone in the room was hidden. "_I love that pathetic, obnoxious, annoying, absolutely adorable mutt who calls himself Joey Wheeler!"_

At that precise moment, Ishizu knew, Ryou had backed up and flipped the switch in the control room. The argument in there must have ceased abruptly, because the next words she heard coming from their side of the microphone were quite different.

Yugi's voice, sounding startled: "What was _that_?" Loud laughter was heard coming from Bakura.

Softly, Ryou said, "Uh… oh…"

Joey's voice floated into the room: "Was that for real? Did Seto Kaiba just say he _loved_ me?"

Judging by the shade of purple Seto's face had turned, Ishizu would say this was a giant success! She tried to center in on where the voices were coming from.

Téa's voice sounded next: "Um… I think so…"

As Ishizu grew closer to the microphone, an absolutely horrible noise reminiscent of someone being tortured resounded throughout the room. "_I think I love you… so what am I so afraid of?_"

"Joey, _don't_ sing," Téa pleaded, trying to sound diplomatic.

"_I'm afraid that I'm not sure of, a love there is no cure of_," Joey sang, completely off tune.

Ryou, a little louder this time: "Um, guys? I think I…"

"_I think I love you! Isn't that what life is made of?_" A loud, dreamy sigh was heard from Joey. Ishizu winced, wondering what had possessed him to start singing. But she judged that it was over now. Joey's blissful happiness, however, wasn't. As it should be.

"Kaiba loves me… _Seto_ loves me… Seto Kaiba _LOVES_ me! Seto Kaiba loves _ME!_"

"How did we _hear_ Kaiba, anyway?" Yugi asked, sounding confused. Ishizu rolled her eyes. But she seemed to have found the microphone; it was hidden in the frame of a painting on the wall.

Ryou responded, and Ishizu could practically hear the blush in his voice. "I kinda bumped into this switch. It's a microphone leading from Kaiba's room to here." At this proclamation, Joey let out a whoop.

Then there was momentary silence, and Ishizu was willing to guess that someone was leaning over to read the fine print above the switch. Sure enough, Yugi's concerned voice: "Ryou, this is labeled 'Two-Way Microphone'."

Now there was an even longer silence, punctuated only by a small 'eep', likely coming from Joey. Ishizu leaned right up to the microphone and yelled into it cheerfully, "HIIII, JOEY!" When she heard loud banging and clatters at the other end, she pulled back and looked at it quizzically. "Huh. Fancy that." Then she turned to look at Seto: "Uh-oh," she spoke into the microphone again. "You'd better get down here, guys. I think Seto's about to faint."

"I am _not_ about to faint!" Seto said, forgetting his humiliation in his indignation. Ishizu simply shrugged.

"Still, I think they'd better come down here," she said, smiling evilly. "You have a few things to discuss."

Maybe he _was_ about to faint, after all.

* * *

**Notes:** I'll explain the method behind the madness of the song next chapter. I know, it's like 'What? She's going to offer an _explanation_ for her psychosis?'

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: Joey is petrified to talk to Seto, but luckily he has some good friends who will drag him around the Kaiba mansion to find Seto. Meanwhile, Seto is desperate to escape the room, which someone… coughcough… seems to have locked. Also, we'll see where Yami ran off to!_


	7. Love

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

You can tell by this time when I'm kidding, right? If I were to be exceptionally mean to one of the characters, and if you liked them, you'd still realize that I was only joking and that I poke fun at everyone and that this fic is intended to exaggerate characteristics and even make up new ones, right? Good.

* * *

Chapter 7

* * *

"I'm not going." 

"Joey!" Téa stomped her foot. "Seto Kaiba just screamed- boy, did he _scream_- that he loves you. Then Ishizu tells us that he's about to faint. And you want to run in the other direction?"

"_No_," Joey retorted. "I want to curl into a little ball and hide under a table and suck my thumb."

"Pitiful," Bakura snorted. Ryou glared at him.

"So says the one who sleeps with a-" Ryou began, but was cut off by a hand. The hand of a very panicked, very psychotic, very dangerous ex-tomb robber.

"You promised you would never bring that up again!" Bakura whined.

Yugi seemed about to ask something, but then remembered that he did not in fact have a death wish. So he refocused his attention on Joey. "_Why_ won't you go find Seto?" he asked plaintively, wondering if Joey was still susceptible to puppy-eyes.

"Because…" Joey's voice trailed off, then he thought of something. "Because he's gonna _kill_ me!" he said triumphantly, then his eyes grew wider again and he whimpered. "He's gonna kill me…"

"Joey, he's not going to kill you," Téa said patiently. "He loves you. People generally don't _kill_ the ones they love."

(_"I_ would," Bakura said proudly, and Ryou shushed him.)

"He doesn't love me," Joey said sadly, hanging his head.

"Joey! He just _hollered_ that he loved you! What more do you _want_?" Téa asked through clenched teeth.

"He wasn't serious," Joey mumbled, looking very pathetic indeed. Téa closed her eyes, pleading for patience.

"You thought he was serious before," Yugi pointed out sensibly. "You started singing and everything."

"I only sang because…" Joey blushed. "That's the background music in my dreams. I thought I was having another dream, but I didn't hear any background music. So… I decided to sing myself. …………stop staring at me like that!"

"Sorry," Téa muttered, glancing away. "Well, in any case, we can't stay here all day." Just as she said that, two men dressed in guards' uniforms appeared in the doorway, talking anxiously.

"The man in the turban said Mister Kaiba was ill! What if he really _is_?"

"It's a hoax," the other one said positively. "Why else would he lead us halfway around the mansion and suddenly disappear?"

The first man shivered. "I don't like how he did that either. What if-" he stopped when he caught sight of Bakura, Ryou, Yugi, Téa, and Joey, standing nervously in the control room. "Hey! What are you kids doing in here?"

"I am _not_ a kid," Bakura said indignantly. "I am a five-thousand year old expert in all manners of tomb robbing."

"Robbing?" the first guard asked dubiously.

"Five thousand year old?" the second guard said skeptically.

"Ryou's not really a kid either," Bakura continued thoughtfully. "You can just call him a weakling. That's what I do."

"Hey!" Ryou protested.

"You can't be in here," the first guard said sternly.

"Please, help us," Téa asked, stepping up. She clasped her hands. "We just found out that Seto Kaiba might be on the verge of fainting! We have to find him!"

"Not another one," the second man groaned. "I bet these kids are in with the man in the turban."

"Shadi?" Yugi wondered aloud.

"A-ha! See?" The guard pointed triumphantly.

A fight might have broken out, but Téa lost her temper. "Listen!" she snapped, forcing everyone's attention toward her. "Seto Kaiba _might_ be ill, and we have to go get him. Joey Wheeler here is the boy he loves." She jerked her thumb at the sheepish-looking blonde. "Kaiba will need him."

"Need me?" Joey squeaked.

"Need him?" one of the guards asked, sounding on the verge of laughing.

"Oh yes," Téa informed them. "Show us the way, _now_! Or he'll-" this time she pointed at Bakura- "make your lives absolutely miserable."

The guards hesitated, looking back and forth from Téa's flashing eyes to the sudden demonic grin that appeared on Bakura's face. "But we don't even know where Mister Kaiba _is_," the first guard said finally, looking confused.

"Then just stay here, out of the way," Ryou said in exasperation. "Can we go, guys?"

"Yeah," Téa said, shoving her way past the guards. "Come on!" Yugi, short as he was, slipped between them. Ryou politely went around, but Bakura plowed right between the two guards, causing one of them to fall over. Bakura grinned proudly and Joey hopped over the body, still looking nervous.

* * *

Yami wandered the streets. He'd still be running but after a while the weight of his jewelry got to him. 

"Yami!" A nasally voice sounded off to his right, and the Pharaoh (ex-Pharaoh, but don't try telling _him_ that) turned to look at Weevil Underwood. His 'good friend Weevil Underwood'. Talk about ironic. Maybe Ishizu's Necklace was doing funny things to him. "I challenge you to a duel," Weevil plowed on. How impolite.

Yami frowned. "No hello?"

Weevil's face twisted. "Don't you mock me!" he shrieked. Yami raised an eyebrow. "Duel me, Yami!" Weevil said again, laughing. Yami put his hands over his ears. "_Duel me!_" Weevil screeched.

"I didn't say no!" Yami protested, squinting.

"Well, then?" Weevil demanded.

Yami, the still-King-of-Games, sighed. "Oh-_kay_," he said, drawing his deck from his pocket and placing it in the duel disk. "But only because it might take my mind off my beautiful hikari. (censored various swears) I mean, _Yugi!_"

Weevil's bug eyes, well… bugged out. "You and Yugi?" he asked incredulously.

"No," Yami replied sourly. "He doesn't like me." Ah, yes, spilling his heart to 'Weevil Underpants', as Joey dubbed him, psychologist extraordinaire.

"Oh," Weevil said knowingly, smirking. "Too _bad_," he continued, voice dripping with false concern. "If I remember, your hikari _is_ pretty beautiful. Almost as beautiful as my Insect Queen." (His face puckered as he remembered losing her to Joey. "He doesn't love her like I do!")

This time it was Yami's turn to have his eyes bug out. He didn't know which was worse: That Weevil had called Yugi beautiful or that he'd compared his precious hikari to the Insect Queen! Either way, he'd violated Yugi's honor, and that was something Yami just wouldn't stand for.

"It's time to _duel_!" he bellowed, his Millennium Puzzle lighting up dramatically. Just for old time's sake.

* * *

_Bang! Bang! Bang! Bangbangbang!_

"It sounds like an old Western movie," Ishizu commented.

"You watch Westerns?" Mokuba craned his head to look up at her. "You don't seem the type."

"Odion and Marik love them," she groaned.

_Bang! Bangbang Bang!_ "_Damn stupid f-cking door!_"

Mokuba's eyes grew huge. "Seto!" he said, sucking in a breath. "You said you'd ground me and not feed me sugar and make me eat broccoli and send me to school on Saturday if I ever said that word!"

Seto paused. His gun was pointed at the door, which was sporting several bullets embedded in the lock. "Well, I will."

"But you just said it!"

"Because I'm older." _Bang!_

"When I'm as old as you, can _I_ say it?"

"No!" _Bang bang!_

"When are you going to run out of bullets?" Ishizu asked in exasperation.

Seto ignored her. "_Why_ won't this door open?" he fumed, striding over and rattling it again. "I don't even remember _locking_ it!"

Ishizu made a show of examining her nails. What a wonderful thing Shadow Magic was.

Seto growled and took aim with the gun again. _Bang! Bang! Bang!_

* * *

"Do we know where we're going?" Yugi asked, biting his lip. 

Téa stopped walking. "I have _no_ idea," she admitted. "This stupid place is huge! How are we supposed to find Seto?"

"My Millennium Ring could find him," Ryou offered. Bakura's head snapped up.

"How could your Millennium Ring find him?" Téa asked. "I thought it could only find other Items?"

"Well, yes, but it could find Ishizu's Necklace," Ryou said proudly. "Seto and Ishizu are in the same room, right?"

"That's right!" Yugi beamed. "Thanks a lot, Ryou!"

"_My_ Millennium Ring will find them," Bakura growled, shoving Ryou out of the way. The Ring began to glow and he set off quickly.

"Hey!" Ryou protested, scrambling after him. "I said I could do it first!" His identical Ring glowed as well, and he tried to dash ahead.

"But I can do it better!" Bakura roared triumphantly, elbowing Ryou aside.

"Nuh-uh! I've had the Ring longer!" Ryou caught up with Bakura again and plowed forward.

"_I've had it five thousand years, nitwit!_" Bakura's voice was growing faint as the two boys turned a corner.

"_Well, I've had my own body longer!"_

_"But I'm in better shape!_"

"_You only like to think that! You're always so mean to me!"_

"Eh-heh, maybe we should start after them," Yugi suggested nervously.

"Ri-ight…" Téa said slowly, staring after them distantly. "Let's go…" They started off, but Joey lingered behind.

"Joey? You okay?" Yugi asked in concern.

"Mmm…" Joey said weakly.

Téa rolled her eyes. "Come on, Joey," she said soothingly, going up to him and patting him on the arm. "It's all right… just come with Yugi and me…"

"Mmm…" Joey muttered, most likely protesting.

Téa clenched her teeth, then grabbed Joey's right shirt sleeve. "Come on, Yugi," she ordered. "Help me out."

With a nervous grin, Yugi grabbed onto Joey's left sleeve, and they started dragging him after Ryou and Bakura. They caught up despite the fact that they were dragging Joey and the others had been running, for the very good reason that Ryou and Bakura were no longer running. Somehow- probably they'd tackled each other- they'd both ended up on the floor and were crawling as fast as they could.

"This door!" Ryou crowed triumphantly, clambering over Bakura to touch the door.

"No!" Bakura cried, and in desperation banished the door to the Shadow Realm. Seto was standing there, gun pointed above their heads and in between Yugi and Téa.

In short, the center of Joey's forehead.

"Aaaah!" Seto screamed, desperately chucking the gun over his shoulder. Ishizu had a flashback of herself throwing the Millennium Necklace.

Shadi really did have a bad habit of materializing at inconvenient times. "Aaaah…" he moaned, putting a hand over his eye.

"Oh! Are you okay!" Ishizu asked anxiously, rushing over. "Seto apologizes!"

"I do _not_ apologize," Seto said indignantly.

"You do so," Ishizu said crossly, grabbing Shadi's hand and prying it from his eye. "Let me inspect the damage! …_Ew_, that's going to leave a mark."

"Reassuring," Shadi grumbled. "Leave me alone."

"What's gotten into _you_?" she asked airily.

"Er, Seto?" Mokuba said nervously, twisting his head to see Seto trying to hide behind him. "Are you okay?"

Joey was trying to hide behind Téa. Yugi's eyes widened. "_Are_ they okay?"

"It's probably the side effects from the trip through the Shadow Realm," Ishizu offered, turning her back on a grumpy Shadi.

"_What_ side effects?" Mokuba asked in alarm.

"Grumpiness, being antisocial-" ("How could you tell?" Téa muttered) "-cowardice, aversion to sunlight, nausea, a slight headache, and occasionally diarrhea," Ishizu rattled off. "But I don't think you have to worry about the diarrhea as long as Seto eats healthy in the next twenty-four hours!" She flashed a grin at Mokuba.

"I am _not_ exhibiting cowardice," Seto interjected from behind Mokuba's jacket.

"Oh, come _on_," Yugi said in exasperation. "You guys are so lucky! You have each other, and Joey loves Kaiba and Kaiba loves Joey, and that's all you need! Yami is too busy dueling to notice _me_, so don't let me hear any complaining from _you_!"

Slowly, every eye in the room swiveled to look at him. Yugi bristled. "Go on and _say_ something!" he told Joey.

"Don't kill me," Joey said immediately. "Yugi, you like _Yami_?"

"…What? No!" Yugi pouted. "I didn't mean to say that…"

"That doesn't mean it's not true," Téa pointed out. Ishizu coughed discreetly.

"Well, it's not." Yugi turned away defiantly. "It's not true, I mean."

"So you don't like Yami?" Téa pestered. "You've never noticed how sweet it is how much he cares for you? When you hug him, you don't feel like the world is swimming around you? You never want to kiss him? You never want to crawl into bed with him late at night and-"

"_Téa_!" Joey said, startled out of silence.

"Ah, Téa?" Ishizu tried again.

Téa glared at Joey and continued. "-crawl into bed with him late at night and tell him how important he is to you? How special? How he gives you that unique feeling that just might be love?"

"Oh…" Joey said, blushing. He glanced up to find Seto staring at him, and didn't look away.

"No!" Yugi squeaked, bright red and looking as if he were on the verge of collapsing.

"Téa!" Ishizu hissed, making odd hand gestures.

"You don't dream about what things would be like if he loved you just as much as you love him?" Téa plowed on.

"No!" Yugi protested again.

"Hey, Téa!" Ishizu grabbed the girl's arm. "Chat time!" she said brightly, waving at the rest of the occupants of the room. "Ryou, Bakura, _do_ something about those two, will you?" she gestured at Seto and Joey. "Be back in a flash!" She dragged Téa from the room. Two seconds later, she poked her head back in the hole where the door used to be: "Shadi, come here, will you?" Muttering various things about Ishizu's brain loss, Shadi trudged after her, wondering if the rest of his life was doomed to be like this.

Ryou and Bakura, once climbing to their feet, had stood off to the side through the whole conversation, determinedly not looking at each other throughout Téa's 'love speech'. (Hey, she upgraded!)

"When she says 'do something', it involves _blood_, right?" Bakura asked.

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: Ishizu's new addition to her matchmaking team (i.e. her and Shadi) will be Téa, right after this little chat in the hall! Bakura attempts to impress Ryou… in his own way; the gang comes to a satisfactory conclusion with what to do with Joey and Seto; Yami and Weevil begin a different kind of game._


	8. Games

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

People are either going to burst out laughing or throw up or flame me. Warning: Read With Caution. Especially if you're as squeamish as me.

* * *

Chapter 8

* * *

"She did _not_ mean send them to the Shadow Realm. Again." 

"She could have!" Bakura protested. "She wasn't specific."

"And she didn't mean sic the Man-Eater Bug on them," Ryou continued. "And she didn't want you to show Seto and Joey your shiny dagger collection."

"She didn't say _not_ to," Bakura insisted stubbornly.

"I think she meant something more along the lines of getting them to talk like civilized people," Ryou scowled. "And to get Joey to stop sucking his thumb! Goodness, Joey!"

The blonde boy looked sheepish; Yugi looked disgusted. "Does this _always_ happen when people go back and forth from the Shadow Realm?" he asked Bakura.

"Oh, you should have seen Bones," Bakura said dreamily. "Sucking his thumb, eating his feet, drooling on the floor, the whole deal."

"You brought Bones back?" Ryou asked suspiciously; this was news to him. "Why?"

Bakura blinked at him. "Why, out of the goodness of my heart, Ryou," he said sweetly.

"_Why_?" Ryou demanded. "What did you do?"

"Ryou, I'm hurt… okay, you know that story on the kid who robbed the jewelry store? It was in the news last week?"

"Ye-eesss…" Ryou said slowly, not liking where this was going.

"Did you happen to catch the kid's name?"

"Why do I have a horrible feeling the kid's name was Bones?"

"So you _did_ catch it?"

"Bakura, who _really_ robbed the jewelry store?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

"Bakura! You not only robbed the jewelry store, but you dragged Bones back from the Shadow Realm just to frame him?"

"The whole thing only took me twenty minutes!" Bakura said proudly.

"_Bakura_!" Ryou wailed.

"Don't go all sissy-hikari on me," Bakura said grumpily. "Besides, I did it all for you."

"You- what?" Ryou blinked. This was a definite new one.

"See?" Bakura reached into his pocket and pulled out a necklace on a thick golden chain. It was dripping with ruby flowers entwined with emerald leaves and black and silver drops of dew. Ryou gazed at it, wide-eyed, until his sense of integrity kicked in.

"You shouldn't have stolen a necklace!" he squeaked, blushing.

"But I stole it for _you_," Bakura insisted, seeming to think that this made up for stealing it in the first place. "Here, you can put it on now if you like." Carelessly, he handed over the precious necklace.

Ryou took it, speechless. "I… you… it…" he spluttered a while, before regaining some composure. "You can't just take it from the jewelry store," he said, biting his lip. "Besides, it's, uh… I mean, it's beautiful, but it's more of a necklace a girl would wear."

"And you are…" Bakura said, frowning.

"A _boy_!" Ryou said indignantly. Whatever had been flattering him before was tossed out of the window as he glared at his yami. "That's not funny, Bakura-"

"Erg," Joey moaned, putting a hand to his head.

"Joey's waking up," Yugi announced.

"What?" Ryou asked, distracted. "When did he fall asleep?"

"Pass out," Yugi corrected. "He and Seto both passed out while you and Bakura were arguing."

"Oops," Ryou said meekly.

"Hey, can you help me over here?" Mokuba asked. The black-haired boy was covered in sweat from the exertion. He was trying to drag Seto over to where Joey was just beginning to stir by the back of his older brother's trenchcoat.

"Sure," Yugi grumbled, flashing Ryou and Bakura irritated looks. He joined Mokuba and grasped the corner of the coat, tugging. His back was to Joey, and an unfortunate consequence of not having eyes in the back of your head is that you can't see behind you. Yugi stepped on Joey's head.

"_Oh!_" he cried. "Sorry, Joey!"

Joey didn't move a muscle. Neither did Seto.

"Maybe we should just leave them there?" Mokuba suggested, blushing. "I mean- well…"

"No, you're right," Yugi sighed. "I think they're more likely to get along if we're gone."

"Fine by me," Bakura said haughtily. He snatched the necklace back from Ryou and marched over to the door. The other three followed him; Mokuba on the verge of giggles, Yugi frowning thoughtfully, and Ryou walking slowly, head down.

* * *

"Ah, what did you want, Ishizu?" Téa asked, rubbing her arm. "And where did you get a grip like that?" 

"I drag Marik around a lot," she explained, crossing her arms. "I hope I didn't hurt you…"

"Oh, no, I'm sure these bruises will go away by the end of the month," Téa said, forcing herself to laugh.

"Well, that's good!" Ishizu smiled. "Now, why I dragged you out here. You see, Téa, Shadi is helping me do a little matchmaking here in Domino." When Téa glanced at Shadi, the man shook his head frantically and held up his arms defensively. Téa smothered a giggle and refocused her attention on Ishizu.

During the brief explanation, the emotions on Téa's face ranged from confusion to horror to hilarity to terror to disgust to excitement.

"So you'll help?" Ishizu finished.

"Sure!" Téa beamed, laughing. "Sure, I'll help."

"Great!" Ishizu smiled proudly, and Shadi's jaw hit the floor. "So you know what to do once you find Yami?"

"Yup," she giggled nervously, and bounded down the hallway just as Bakura, Ryou, Yugi, and Mokuba exited the room, none of them looking happy except Mokuba.

"Where's _she_ going?" Yugi asked sourly, face twisted in a pout.

"To, uh…" For a fleeting moment, Ishizu wondered what would happen if she told him the truth. '_To help me play matchmaker, to get you and Yami together, so you both can have everlasting happiness.'_ "To brush her teeth."

"To _what_?" Ryou asked incredulously.

"She forgot this morning," Ishizu explained solemnly. News flash: she was a rotten liar.

"Oh!" Mokuba put a hand to his mouth, eyes wide. "I think I did too! I'm gonna go do that so Seto won't yell at me!" He dashed down the hall; Ishizu watched him to go with a puzzled expression.

"Well, uh…" She cleared her throat and turned to her companions.

Oops. The last cheerful one had just gone skipping away down the hall. So instead of paying attention to them, she focused on something she thought Seto and Joey would appreciate once they woke up. She removed a giant painting of a Blue Eyes White Dragon from the wall and propped it over the doorway in placement of the door Bakura had banished.

Well, okay. She got Shadi to do it. But point in hand, she created a door. She thought Seto might be one for privacy… especially when he was with Joey Wheeler.

* * *

"I challenge you to a rematch!" Weevil screeched. 

Yami sighed. The impossible was happening: he was getting… gasp… _bored_ of dueling! Well, maybe it was only because he'd dueled (and beat) Weevil sixteen times in a row. And the same thing happened every time, too. He hovered on the brink of defeat, slipped the Heart of the Cards a tip, and miraculously pulled the one card he needed to win. The one interesting time had been when the only card that could help him was Slifer… he drew it, of course. The expression on Weevil's face had provided him with amusement for the next two duels.

"You know, a true duelist recognizes his opponent's strength," Yami pointed out. He might as well try and work a good life lesson in here.

Weevil's face puckered. "You-"

"Hey guys," Téa said cheerfully, slowing from the frantic run to a casual walk. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Téa!" Yami cried. "Thank goodness! Tell him-" he pointed at Weevil- "to leave me alone!"

Téa eyed the all-powerful Pharaoh of Egypt with a nervous look. "Aaah…"

"He won't duel me!" Weevil cried, stamping his foot. "Téa, tell him to duel me!"

"Umm…"

"Téa, inform him that I've _dueled_ him sixteen times in a row and it's getting annoying!" Yami snapped, crossing his arms.

"You guys…?"

"You can let Yami know that I am sure I'll beat him this time!"

"Hey!" Téa exclaimed, pretending an idea had just occurred to her and she hadn't come up with it during her jog after her talk with Ishizu. "Why don't you try a different _kind_ of game?"

"Not 'Guess my Facial Hair'," Yami said suspiciously.

Téa blinked. "Uh… no, not that."

"Okay then," he said brightly. "I don't like that game. Tristan always wins."

"_You_ were defeated in a game?" Weevil asked, his eyes lighting up in delight.

"It's 'Guess my Facial Hair'!" Yami cried, as if that explained everything. Which, really, it did.

"It's called… 'Catch the Hikari'!" Téa exclaimed, ignoring the incredulous looks from the readers. It's _hard_ to come up with a game that will end in a make-out session between Yami and Yugi. That is, unless Weevil won… her eyes widened. '_Oh Ra, let Yami win'_. She squinted at him: '_Yami, how are you going to win if you faint?'_

"What?" he asked meekly.

" 'Catch the Hikari'!" Téa informed him happily. "Whoever gets to Yugi and ties him up first wins!"

While Yami made some whimpering noises, Weevil asked: "Why isn't it called 'Catch the Yugi'!"

"Because not every town has a Yugi!" she said impatiently.

"But you think every town has a hikari?" he asked, screwing up his eyes under his thick glasses.

She blinked. "Well, there's more than one at least," she said lamely.

"So can we get _any_ hikari?" Weevil pressed.

"No!" Téa protested.

"Why not?"

"Because… well…" she blinked. "Because…"

"_I_ think we should be able to get _any_ hikari," Weevil declared.

"Yes!" Yami said eagerly, nodding his head. "Yes, we should be allowed to get any hikari."

"Oh, _fine_," she gave in. She could work around this. "But Marik doesn't count!"

"Why not?" Yami asked, furrowing his brow.

"He's not a _real_ hikari," she told him, although he already knew. "His yami didn't come from a Millennium Item! He came from… uh, from Marik."

"But it's still light and dark," Yami pointed out.

"Would you _really_ call Marik a light?" she asked skeptically. He probably would, actually, if it meant he didn't have to tie up Yugi.

"Ye-"

"No!"

"Oh, all right," Yami said. Téa could practically see him thinking that he could just get Ryou. She'd have to do something about that…

"Excellent!" Weevil screeched, the sun glinting off his glasses. Téa winced.

"So, uh, you need rope?"

"Yes," Yami said determinedly. Now that he'd decided to play this game, he'd go to any lengths to win it.

"You can get some there." Téa pointed.

"Where?"

"_There_."

Yami stared at the store. "There?"

"_Yes!_"

"But, Téa…"

"Yes?"

"Do you know what that is?"

"Yes."

"It's a…"

"It's a sex store!" Weevil announced. "I have a credit card there!"

Téa nearly threw up. "You can get rope in there," she told Yami sweetly.

"But…"

"Okay, so maybe not _rope_, but handcuffs and body-chains should work on Yugi, right?" Or Ryou, but she didn't mention that.

Yami swallowed hoarsely. "Uh…"

"Go on!" she said, giving him a little shove. "You want to win, right?"

So Yami walked, a few steps behind an excited Weevil, dragging his feet. Téa watched him long enough to be sure he entered the store, then darted away. She had to find Ryou before Yami did; she needed to ensure that Yami _had_ to 'catch' _Yugi_ in order to win the game.

When Yami entered the store, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, he walked into a wall. He opened his eyes to find that he'd actually walked into a wall plastered with a picture of… ah…, quickly turned around, and sought out Weevil. He found the short boy in the lingerie section and had to drag him out. Weevil knew his way around the store quite well, which made Yami sick, and quickly picked out two sets of body-chains (and something else for his personal use that Yami didn't care to think about), and made his way to the front cashier.

The cashier, an old, fat man, rung up the purchases with a large smile. He handed the bag to Weevil, winked, and said, "Have fun tonight, you two."

"_YOU IMBECILE,_" Yami said, exploding, "_I SHOULD SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM FOR EVEN INSINUATING SOMETHING AS DISGUSTING AS THAT!"_ He snatched up the bag, realized that the store's logo was branded on there brightly, flushed bright red, and bolted.

Weevil followed him outside. "That guy was my friend," he complained.

"I wonder if I can kill myself with my own Puzzle," Yami grumbled. "Do you want the bag or do you want to just carry your stuff?" 

"I have more things than you," Weevil declared, "So I shall take the bag. Here are your chains."

"Gee, thanks," Yami deadpanned, taking the chains with a look of disgust. "So, uh, shall we start?"

"First one to find a hikari and bind them up wins," Weevil reminded him. "Have a witness available, even the hikari himself, to note the time in case we each get a different one."

"Okay," Yami said, wondering what had possessed Téa to suggest this. "Let's go."

* * *

**Notes**: Eeeeww… uh, sorry. In case you couldn't tell, I haven't the slightest idea about sex stores. That explains the lack of description. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll leave to compulsively scrub my brain.

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: Téa comes up with a brilliant, fool-proof plan for making sure that Yami doesn't go after Ryou. Yami refuses to lose, and he especially refuses to let Weevil tie up Yugi, so he's out of options. What does he decide to do? (I have no freaking idea.)_


	9. Cheese

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

Chapter 9

* * *

Yami wandered the town, clutching the absolutely humiliating 'Cheese'. Yes, he'd named the… the things he was supposed to use on the hikari… 'Cheese'. He didn't want to refer to them by their proper name, even in his thoughts. He felt too guilty.

Of course, that didn't change the fact that he _was_ carrying them, and without a bag. He was occupying his time by wondering if it would be hypocritical of him to send anyone caught looking at him and the Cheese too closely to the Shadow Realm, after lecturing Bakura for doing the same (minus the Cheese- at least he _hoped_ so).

No, he decided, as he scowled at a girl in her mid-twenties. She was giggling as she looked at him and the glum expression on his face. It wouldn't be hypocritical, it would be just and fair. And he'd made a career of fighting for virtue.

Maybe he'd just… send Weevil on a little vacation for the rest of his life where no one could find him. Then Weevil could never win, and no one would ever know.

Téa. Damnit. Forget that plan.

* * *

The girl Yami was silently cursing for making him play this evil, evil game was currently jogging down the road to the Kaiba mansion. Yugi was the first one she came across, and she gladly sped up to him. "Hey there!" she greeted.

"Hm? Oh. Hi, Téa," Yugi said listlessly. "Are your teeth okay?"

She blinked. "Yeeeess…"

"That's good." Yugi smiled wanly at her.

"Um, Yugi? Are you okay?"

"I'm all right," he said dejectedly. "I'm just a little tired, that's all."

"Do you miss Yami?" she guessed. "You haven't seen him all day."

Yugi blushed. "Maybe a little…"

"Well, I saw him back there!" she said, pointing. "He said he was eventually heading back to the Game Shop. Why don't you head there? I think you should rest anyway."

"Sure," Yugi said, already beginning to perk up. "Thanks, Téa. See you tomorrow!"

"Bye, Yugi! Oh, but before you go, have you seen any of the others?"

"Yeah, they're back there. Seto and Joey are unconscious in one of the rooms, Mokuba is brushing his teeth, Ryou and Bakura are chasing each other down the street back to their place… I'm not really sure who's chasing who. Ishizu is dancing around Kaiba's mansion and Shadi is trying to stop her." Yugi paused, considering everything he'd just said. "Do you think I'm dreaming all this?"

"Eh-heh," Téa sweatdropped. She felt kind of bad for confusing her friend so much, but if all went well… something good would happen. What was it that was supposed to happen again?

Oh yes. Yami and Yugi would fall in love- or at least _admit_ that they'd fallen in love- and achieve eternal happiness. She nodded, ignoring Yugi's curious look.

"I'm going to go continue my walk," she announced. "Thanks, Yugi."

"Sure," he said, crinkling his brow. "Uh, bye, Téa!"

They waved cheerfully as she jogged off. She needed to catch Ryou before Yami did. Well, she needed to catch Ryou while Yami needed to 'catch' him. Or did she need to 'catch' Ryou while Yami needed to literally catch him?

Screw that. She needed to talk to Ryou in order to prevent Yami from catching him so Yami would be forced to catch Yugi.

The sight of Ryou up ahead was, luckily, the distraction she needed to pull her mind away from the mindless internal debate on 'catching'. "Hey!" she called, wondering where Bakura was. The 'plan' she'd come up with depended on Ryou's insanely overprotective yami, even if Bakura would go on a killing spree if anyone mentioned that he was insanely overprotective.

"Help get it off help me off off off!"

Téa stopped running and blinked.

"Heeeeeeelp!" Ryou sped by, waving his arms frantically.

Téa crossed her arms and glared while spinning in a full circle. That way, she couldn't miss glaring at Bakura no matter where he was.

"What do _you_ want?" he grumbled, stepping over the low railing and onto the road.

"What did you do to Ryou?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

He grinned, and she immediately knew asking had been a mistake. The glint in his eyes was a dead-giveaway that Bakura was ready to brag about whatever had sent poor Ryou running off like that.

"Okay, we were walking down the road when sissy-Ryou started badgering me about the necklace I stole." He didn't wait for Téa's reprimand but plowed on. "I told him _again_ that I only stole it so he could wear it and of course he started whining that I thought he was a girl again. I very nicely listened to him for a few seconds but I got bored and then I grabbed his hair. He squealed 'Don't pull my hair!' and I laughed because he sounded like a girl again. I put the necklace on him and he got mad and tried to tackle me and both of us fell off the road. Baka-Ryou managed to grab onto a railing but I fell down the hill. He ran down the street screaming for someone to get the necklace off while I climbed back up, only to see you glaring at me for no apparent reason!" Bakura finished in a huff.

Téa felt dizzy. But she had gotten one thing out of that explanation. "Are you planning on _apologizing_?" she asked tartly.

Bakura stared at her. And stared. And stared… "_What_?" she asked, annoyed.

"I'm waiting for you to laugh," he explained.

"Why would I laugh?" Téa asked, clenching her fist.

"You _were_ joking, right?" he asked skeptically.

"You- oooooh!" Téa snarled at him. "Forget you! I only came to see _Ryou_ anyway."

"Hmm," he said distantly. "And why is that?"

She stopped a second. This wasn't exactly how she'd intended to pull off this plan, but she'd take what she could. "I needed to give him a message from _Yami_," she said sweetly.

Bakura didn't react how she'd expected him to. She thought that he might glare, or growl, or at least look annoyed. He didn't.

His eyes shot open, his Millennium Ring glowed red, and the road exploded.

Téa ducked as chunks of asphalt rained down around her. "You jerk!" she shrieked during her momentary panic, sure her skull was going to be crushed. Luckily for her, Ishizu had come waltzing down the road, followed by a huffing Shadi. Shadi, wondering how he'd gone from being the sacred guardian of the seven Millennium Items to the poor sucker tagging after his crush and saving all her friends, worked some quick magic and the bits of road Bakura had just torn up stopped and hung in midair.

Téa slowly uncovered her head and looked around, eyes wide. "Wow…" she said, touching one of the pieces hanging in midair. "Can you put the road back together?"

"No." Shadi waved a hand and the asphalt disappeared.

Ishizu amused herself for a moment picturing what would happen the next time someone tried to drive down this road. She rather hoped it'd be Seto Kaiba, if only because he was under the impression that the world rearranged things for his benefit.

"The Pharaoh said _what_?" Bakura demanded.

Téa debated chewing him out verbally or just dumping all pretenses and strangling him. Then she decided that she felt bad for him, because Bakura was so obviously in love with Ryou but too afraid (or too dumb) to admit it. Then she remembered that she needed his help in making sure that, in 'Catch the Hikari,' Yami couldn't catch Ryou and would be forced to catch Yugi. Then she recalled the thought she'd had earlier- Bakura wouldn't help them under any circumstances, so he would have to be unaware that he was helping them. With all that threatening to explode her head, she quickly said, "Yami is looking for Ryou because he thinks Ryou needs a boyfriend!"

By dissecting that sentence bit by bit, Téa decided, it wasn't _really_ lying. Yami was looking for Ryou. She was reasonably sure that Yami 'thought', because he was sort-of-technically-human, even if he only really thought about Yugi. And Ryou certainly needed a boyfriend.

Still feeling a little guilty about misleading Bakura (but there was no _way_ she was going to tell him the truth), she turned to him to further explain.

He was long, long gone.

(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)

Ryou was not only a weak sissy, Bakura decided, but a slow runner. The tomb-robber caught up with his hikari before the EVIL PHARAOH did and grabbed Ryou's shoulder as the boy tried to sprint down the street.

"Eeee!" Ryou squealed.

"Eeee?" Bakura asked, forcing Ryou to stop running.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Ryou asked, frowning unhappily.

For some reason, Bakura felt a funny sensation in his gut. It wasn't guilt. No, not at all. It was just a sorry, regretful- no, it wasn't that either. He did not take back anything he'd done. He was perfectly happy with having ruined Ryou's life and made his small hikari sad-

"I'M SORRY!" he bellowed in Ryou's face, nearly causing the boy to fall over.

"Wh-what?" Ryou asked, eyes wide.

Bakura took a deep breath, intending to scream louder, since that was usually what you were supposed to do when someone asked you 'what?'. Ryou luckily noticed this, and in a frantic attempt to save his eardrums, clapped a hand over Bakura's mouth.

Did he really have a death wish?

"You _bit_ me!" Ryou shrieked.

"You put your hand over my mouth," Bakura retorted.

"You- you- you meanie, you _bit_ me!"

"We've been here before, Ryou."

"I can't believe you bit me!"

"Raar!" Bakura opened his mouth, baring his sharp canines again. Ryou shrieked in fear, and Bakura pounced on him.

"Don't bite me!" Ryou pleaded in fear, curling up into a little ball.

"Hmp," Bakura snorted, deftly removing the necklace from Ryou's neck and cramming in back into his pocket. "There."

"…oh." Ryou meekly stood up, trying in vain to dust himself off.

"Here, let me help." With a decidedly evil grin, Bakura began whacking at his hikari, pretending that he was innocently trying to get the dust off.

"Ow- stop- ouch- hey- don't!- BAKURA!"

"All better," Bakura said sweetly. At least, he tried to say it sweetly. Seeing as this was _Bakura_, it came out more vicious, evil, life-threatening and scary. And yes, Ryou was scared.

"I think I'll just go home now…"

"You're coming with me," Bakura suddenly growled, leaping in front of Ryou and glancing frantically around. "So the Pharaoh doesn't- doesn't- doesn't try to molest you!"

"_WHAT?_" Ryou squeaked, his eyes growing huge. "_What on earth are you talking ab- AAAH!_"

"This isn't very dignified, is it?" Bakura asked, sounding almost happy.

"You're lugging me down the street on your shoulder!" Ryou protested from his upside-down position. "Of course it's not dignified!"

"Somehow, I'm okay with that," Bakura said thoughtfully, hoisting Ryou's weight and continuing on undisturbed. "After all, it's not _me_ looking silly."

"Oh, no, carrying another boy down the street doesn't look silly at all," Ryou said sarcastically, trying not to let his hands dangle down. If they did, they would brush against Bakura's rear, and he desperately wanted to avoid that. "Wh-where are you taking me?"

"Home," Bakura said shortly, looking around in paranoia, expecting Yami to jump out from behind the nearest bush.

"But- that's where I wanted to go-"

"I _know_," Bakura said with all the patience he could muster (not much, unfortunately, especially seeing as how he was now confused. He'd just noticed that there weren't any bushes around, so where was Yami supposed to jump out of? Perhaps he'd be trying an aerial attack). "So why are you complaining?"

"Well- I'm not, but…"

"Good."

"But- since I _want_ to go home, don't you think I can walk by myself?"

"You're vulnerable that way," Bakura said seriously, tightening his grip on Ryou.

The white-haired boy (the more stable one) glanced at the other white-haired boy (the less stable one) in confusion. Or perhaps that 'confusion' was really just the blood rushing to his head from being hung upside-down. He'd begun to realize how all that treasure Bakura had stolen in Ancient Egypt had felt.

_Why_ was Bakura insisting on treating him like that 'treasure'? Ryou felt funny being compared to, say, golden statues encrusted with gems. Albeit, _stolen_ golden statues encrusted with gems, but to Bakura that probably made them more valuable.

Bakura snorted with laughter. "Treasure?"

If all the blood hadn't already been there, it would have rushed to his face; and if Ryou hadn't already been bright red, he would have gone redder. Stupid mind-link.

"You think you're like my treasure," Bakura said thoughtfully, patting Ryou's back. "You know what I did with my treasure, right?"

"Aaah… sold it on the black market?" Ryou asked, vaguely noticing that they were at his house. Bakura kicked the door open and skipped in; Ryou's head banged against the frame. "Oooow!"

It was funny, shouldn't someone as sadistic as Bakura enjoy hearing him cry out in pain? Instead, Bakura whirled around to look at Ryou, realized after spinning around three times that it was impossible with Ryou on his shoulder, ran to the next room and dumped Ryou on the couch. "What hurts?" he demanded. "Did the Pharaoh do it?"

Ryou blinked at him, rubbing the side of his head. The pain had already gone away. "Nooo… it's okay now."

"Are you sure?" Bakura glared at him suspiciously.

"Yes, I'm sure, yami," Ryou said, mildly exasperated but mostly nervous. He'd never really seen Bakura acting like this before. He started to stand up, but Bakura shoved a hand out and pushed him back down.

"No! You're not getting up until you're all better!"

"I _am_ all better," Ryou said, squinting at him. "I think maybe you're the one sick."

"Your face is all red!"

"Because _you_ hauled me around town upside-down!"

Bakura ignored him, and shoved Ryou back to a lying position. "So, you know what I did back when I was a tomb-robber?" He didn't wait for an answer, or listened to Ryou's annoyed spluttering. Suddenly, Bakura's face broke into a decidedly evil grin, baring his sharp canines. Ryou's face grew pale.

"I slept with the treasure under my pillow," he said, crawling next to Ryou on the couch and putting his head firmly on the other boy's stomach. "So no one else could steal it from _me_."

Ryou didn't say anything for a long, long time.

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: The epic chase between Yami and Weevil for Yugi comes to a close; Shadi and Ishizu finally sort things out. Who was calling who clueless?_

_(Don't you just feel sorry for Shadi?)_


	10. Kissing

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

Chapter 10

* * *

Yami gritted his teeth. This was an evil joke played on him by the Gods. They must resent the fact that they were plastered onto little bits of paper and ordered around in a Duel like… like… like… trained dogs.

The sky cracked with thunder ominously. Yami cringed, the people of Domino looked up in confusion since it was a perfectly sunny day, weathermen blamed it on conflicting air currents, and several Trekkies proclaimed that the aliens had come.

"Sorry," Yami muttered. He didn't sound very sorry, but apparently the Gods took satisfaction in knowing that they could burn him to a crisp anytime they chose. (Personally, he was rather hoping for that right about now. When he hit downtown Domino, the weird looks he was getting multiplied. Getting stuck by lightning was preferable)

Where was Ryou? Was he back at his house? Yami had just decided to go there when he heard hysterical laughter coming from his right. He jerked around, ready to send the offender straight to the Shadow Realm and bugger responsibility, when he noticed that the teenagers weren't laughing at him.

"_COME BACK HERE, YUGI!_" A very familiar voice screeched.

_OH, SHIT._

Yami watched as a small multi-colored blur shot out from the crowd. Maybe Yugi should try out for this 'track' he mentioned. When his sanity was at stake, he sure could run fast. Right behind his hikari was Weevil 'Underpants', moving just as fast! Yami stared open-mouthed at Weevil's speed until he noticed that the little bug had strapped those wheel-things to his feet!

Yugi seemed to realize that he was running into a dead-end alley- or perhaps he was pushing Weevil's maneuverability- and wheeled around. Weevil made a desperate grab, thankfully missed, and went careening into a pile of various objects that included a trashcan, a dog, and a wall. But he was like a cockroach: impossible to kill.

"RUN YUGI HE WON'T BE DOWN LONG!"

Yugi sorted this out and charged at Yami, seemingly thinking his darker half would protect him. Yami felt a surge of warmth and pride before he realized that there was no time to be warm or proud; WEEVIL WAS ON THE LOOSE.

"Should we go to the Game Shop?" Yugi asked breathlessly, grabbing for Yami's hand. The one with the Cheese in it.

"Yes!" Yami said, hastily shoving his left hand over. They started running, but Yami soon discovered it was very awkward to move like this. However, since the only other options were to let go of Yugi's hand (never! It was soft and warm and slightly damp and small and sweet and) or to run backwards (but that would not only be hard, he'd have to look at Weevil, who had resumed the chase), he kept on sprinting with one hand twisted over to clutch onto his hikari.

He and Yugi charged into the Game Shop and Yami turned hastily, slamming the door closed and locking it twice. "There's only one way out of this!" he said breathlessly, peering out the window. Weevil was closing in.

"What?" Yugi asked, his eyes wide.

"Uh…" Yami carefully avoided looking at his hikari's innocent face, feeling a strong stab of guilt. "Here, put these on." He held out the Cheese, still not looking anywhere near Yugi.

He _felt_ Yugi's incredulous stare. "Yaaaami? What _is_ that?"

"Cheese."

"_Cheese_?"

"If you put it on, Weevil won't chase you anymore," Yami promised, deciding to just shut his eyes.

There was a long pause, during which Weevil hit the door so loudly that Yami presumed he'd just flown into it. The knob rattled menacingly.

"I won't let you win!" Weevil screeched from the other side.

"Win?" Yugi questioned. "Is this a game?"

"Uuhhh…" Saying 'yes' would be simpler, but he had a vague recollection of seeing something on TV about a girl getting very angry when a guy used her to win a game. "Y…eeee…sss…"

"Okay," Yugi said, his voice full of relief. "I get it now." Yami's eyes opened as Yugi continued doubtfully: "I'll try and put the… stuff on, but I think it might be hard since the handcuffs go on my hands and I need my hands to fasten it…"

Yami watched him struggling, feeling distinctly uncomfortable and silly and useless. Abruptly, his own hands shot up and fastened the handcuffs around Yugi's slim wrists.

"Come on," he said, blushing bright red, putting his hand gently on Yugi's arm and guiding him toward the door. Weevil's frantic screeching had died away, but his voice was still audible. He seemed to be chatting politely with a new presence, but Yami didn't stop to think things through.

"_I WIN!_" he bellowed, throwing the door open.

Weevil merely looked grumpy, but Grandpa looked utterly shocked and mildly amused. His eyes traveled from a bright-red and sweaty Yami to a frightened Yugi with his hands cuffed in front of him to the rest of the Cheese lying carelessly on the kitchen floor, where Yami had left them after deciding (hoping/praying/seething) that Weevil wouldn't care.

"I was planning on going grocery shopping anyway," he said, backing up. "I'll take my time and you boys have fun."

"Wait-" Yugi started to protest, but Grandpa was already down the stairs. Weevil saluted Yami, winked, said "Yeah, you boys have fun," looked like he was about to ask if he could watch, and Yami slammed the door.

"What now?" Yugi asked, squirming slightly.

"I'll… uuh… unlock you," Yami offered. The very unreasonable thought that flashed through his mind was that he didn't really _want_ to. He took a glance at Yugi and realized maybe it wasn't _that_ unreasonable.

Yugi suddenly began convulsively coughing. Uh-oh. Uh-oh-uh-oh-uh-oh. Yugi hadn't caught the tail end of that through the mindlink, had he?

"I'm sorry!" Yami quickly said. "I'm sorry for loving you and wanting you and needing you and loving you and-"

Well, even if Yugi _hadn't_ sensed through the mindlink, there was no way he could avoid the obvious now.

"Oh," his hikari squeaked.

"Yeah…" Yami said lamely. "I'm sorry…"

"Um, don't be?" Yugi offered, sounding more like it was a question than anything else.

This wasn't going anywhere. Yami gave a deep, deep sigh and sat down. On the floor.

Yugi slowly sat down next to him. Both of them stared at the ground; there was a mosquito crawling around. As they watched, a second mosquito flew up and landed on the back of the first. After a few seconds, it became unmistakable that they were-

"Oh, for the love of Ra," Yami said angrily, standing up in a hurry. "Even a couple of insects have a better sex life than I do!"

"Well, maybe if you weren't so… _sexually constipated_," Ishizu muttered.

"Aaaak!" Yugi cried, falling over backwards. "Where did _you_ come from?"

Ishizu gave a deep, meditative sigh. "Well, if no one's explained it to you, Yugi, I suppose I'll have to. You see, there's a very special thing a man and woman can do together to make babies, which turn into annoyingly cute children, which turn into psychotic teenagers, which turn-"

"That's _not_ what he _meant_!" Shadi hissed in her ear. This was so unfair. He wasn't supposed to be the voice of reason. He was supposed to be the mysterious, mystical guy that turned up every once in a while to give random clues.

"Well, in that case!" Ishizu beamed. "Shadi brought us!" She patted his arm in a manner that probably wasn't supposed to be, but definitely was, degrading. Shadi sunk into a sullen state of withdrawal, under the apparent belief that it made his position as Ishizu's attack-dog less degrading.

"Did you call me sexually constipated?" Yami asked in annoyance.

"Yes," she said firmly. "And weak besides."

"I am _not_ weak," he said, lifting his chin defensively.

"You're not strong enough to carry Yugi," she said complacently.

"I am too!" he said furiously.

"Prove it," she suggested.

"Fine!" Yami scooped Yugi up easily, cradling the smaller boy in his arms. Yugi cocked his head, but didn't protest.

"You win." Ishizu kicked Shadi lightly in the shin, and the two of them vanished.

The two boys stood in the middle of the kitchen. Yami had the distinct impression that someone had just made a fool of him.

"That was… random," Yugi finally said. He seemed comfortable; he'd snuggled deep inside his yami's arms and was nuzzling the tight but soft shirt.

"You're right," Yami said blankly. He couldn't think of anything else to say. His mind was completely gone. The few brain cells left were being put to work imagining Yugi nuzzling him. This time _without_ the shirt.

So, say, 97 of his brain was gone. 3 was fantasizing about his hikari. 0 was guarding against the mindlink. He was pretty much screwed.

"Not yet," Yugi replied.

"Wha-" Yami started to ask, but suddenly new images flooded his brain. Yes, Yugi had apparently tapped into the mindlink. And he was… adding to the fantasies.

He was sort of torn between distinctly uncomfortable (he was wearing _really_ tight clothes) and immensely happy (Yugi loved him Yugi loved him Yugi loved him).

Yugi loved him Yugi loved him Yugi loved him Yugi-

Wait. Unless Yugi just _wanted_ him. Unless Yugi just wanted sex, and he, Yami, just happened to be standing in the most convenient place-

"Don't be silly!" Yugi said, giggling. "Of course I love you, Yami." His hands, still bound, reached up to cup Yami's face. "You're my best friend for always. And you've saved my life. You've helped my Grandpa and my friends. You're sweet and careful and gentle and _I love you_."

"I love you too, Yugi," Yami managed to choke out. He was surprised he'd gotten that far. He was going to collapse at any minute now.

"I know." Yugi paused to giggle. "At least, I know _now_. I was worried there for a while."

"You shouldn't have been." Yami hefted him up, bringing their faces close. Yugi flushed demurely, then tipped forward to touch noses, giggling again. "Who couldn't love you?" Yami murmured, thoughts in a haze.

He wasn't sure if Yugi ever answered, because soon he was drowning in the small, sweet mouth he'd dreamed of kissing for months.

* * *

Ishizu tapped the Millennium Necklace thoughtfully. "Next… next… next…"

Shadi had brought them directly from the Game Shop to the Caribbean. He figured he'd exercise his powers, since lately they'd been reduced to… well, a number of things that could be boiled down to '_Ishizu's bidding_'.

Of course, since he didn't want to be around anyone for the next five years or so (except maybe Ishizu, but even that affection was being stretched to the brink lately), he'd brought them to an island he was _sure_ was deserted. That was because it was approximately ten feet by six feet long and consisted of two jutting rocks.

"What are you doing?" he asked finally.

"Surfing," she answered happily.

Well, it was about time. Now he had definite proof that Ishizu had indeed lost her mind.

"Surfing through visions," she decided to clarify. "I just got a flood of them. Want to see?"

"Not really," he said grumpily.

"What's with _you?"_ Even this display of caring vanished quickly as she breezed onward. "They're all the same anyway. Seto and Joey kissing, Bakura and Ryou kissing, Yami and Yugi kissing. The-en, I surf onwards, because I'm not sure I want to see what comes next." She looked proud for approximately two seconds, then her eyes took on a funny look. "So what do I do _now_?"

Shadi stared at her. This woman was unbelievable. "Don't you think it's time to relax, Ishizu? Take a break? Focus on yourself?"

"Marik really _does_ need a girlfriend," she mused, starting to tap the Necklace again.

"No. No no no no." Shadi reached out and seized her hand. "Let's not be worried about anyone else's love life except ou-" he stopped himself, horrified. He had been about to say 'but our own', but he might as well _scream_ 'I LOVE YOU' in her face.

Just as he was contemplating that, since nothing else had seemed to work, the Millennium Necklace glowed faintly. Since he was touching Ishizu at the time, he was lucky witness to this latest vision as well.

* * *

_"For the love of Ra!__ I love you! Why _else_ would I follow you around Domino! Why _else_ would I agree to these crazy schemes! Why _else_ would I lower myself to practically licking your heels?"_

_Vision-Shadi was waving his arms around. Vision-Shadi was screaming his love for Ishizu at the top of his lungs. Vision-Shadi was an idiot._

* * *

"When was _that_ supposed to happen?" Ishizu asked weakly.

"I don't know. I don't care."

"Wh-" Ishizu never finished her sentence. Shadi had had enough of being the submissive one. He felt a mix of satisfaction, triumph, and deep content as he pushed her backwards, seeking out her mouth with his own.

They worked in about five full seconds of kissing before a wave crashed over the entire 'island', drenching the both of them.

It was funny. This time, when Ishizu burst out laughing, Shadi didn't feel even a slight inclination to kill her.

* * *

**_Next chapter_**_: The last one! Joey and Seto finally wake up, Ryou and Bakura have a meaningful conversation on what it really means to stand up for yourself, then a quick wrap-up with all the couples._


	11. Ending

**What Better Use For Your Millennium Item?**

* * *

Chapter 11

* * *

Joey's eyes slowly opened. The whole room was fuzzy, but he could make out enough of the ceiling to know that it wasn't his. Where the heck was he? The last thing he remembered was asking Téa for the Algebra homework. Then nothing else, except for the distinct impression that he'd made a complete and utter fool of himself.

He groaned slightly, rolled to the side, and froze. He was face-to-face with the most beautiful sight in the world.

_No_, not a bacon-cheese deluxe hamburger, although that did sound awfully good right now.

Seto Kaiba was lying next to him, on his back. His delicate eyes were closed and his features were soft and at peace. Joey's eyes trailed down the CEO's features, from the soft brown hair brushing his forehead to the pale white skin to the high collarbone…

Joey sighed wistfully. This was the most realistic dream yet. He leaned over and snuggled into his dream-lover, content to simply soak up his body-warmth and bask in his presence.

The fact that there was heat in what he supposed to be a dream didn't clue him in right away. Neither, when he gave into temptation and lightly stroked the boy's collarbone, feeling the pulse of his Adam's apple beneath, did he notice something odd about this 'dream'. It was only when Seto's eyes snapped open, he shot up, and grabbed Joey's wrist and pinned it behind him that Joey started to feel that something was off.

Seto stared at Joey cowering under him, half in his lap, wondering who was more startled. "You were strangling me," he said, but immediately regretted the idiotic words.

"Uuuuh…"

"Well, what were you doing, then?" Seto demanded, correctly interpreting the articulate 'uh' as a new form of denial.

"Touching you?"

Seto stared him down. "Touching my neck?"

"Uuh… yes."

To Joey's surprise, Seto released his wrist. The blonde quickly rubbed it, noticing the strange look on Seto's face. It couldn't be guilt, though, right?

"Do you remember anything that happened?" Seto asked, ignoring Joey's incredulous look. It wasn't _that_ strange that he was _asking_ anything… or perhaps it was.

"No…" Joey thought a little. "Yes. Just a little. I remember being with Yugi and Téa and some others, but not what we were doing." His brow furrowed further. "Wait… we were listening to something…" Abruptly, he swung to face Seto. "You said you loved me!" he declared triumphantly, realized what he'd just said, and flushed.

Seto sat stock-still, the memory rushing back. "Oh… I… did…" he said softly, not really aware of the words passing through his lips. Another memory hit him, and he smirked despite himself. "Then you broke out into song."

Joey's mouth fell partway open, and Seto supposed he was just remembering this too. The blonde's face was entirely red, as well, although the CEO was more focused on what he could see of Joey's tongue at the moment. He shook his head quickly to bring himself back to reality.

Class, he'd decided long ago, was far above Joey Wheeler. He was only proven right as Joey heaved a dramatic sigh, then flopped over backwards, sprawled casually on the rug. _His_ rug.

"So, what now?" Joey asked, apparently directed to the ceiling. Seto shook his head and stood up. The idiot.

"Where are you going?" Joey asked, sounding alarmed for some reason. Seto took two steps and glanced down. The dog was right underneath him now. His lips twisted into an ironic smile; right where he belonged.

"I don't care. I'm leaving. This never happened, you understand?"

"But-" Joey sat up quickly, realizing far too late what a mistake that was. Seto froze in horror and embarrassment, but Joey was ever-determined and plowed on with what he'd intended to say. "You said you loved me! I _heard_ you! And I don't know what else happened, but that's for sure and you can't take it back! Leaving now isn't going to stop that!"

Seto quickly kneeled to bring Joey's face to a more appropriate level. The honey-eyes glared up at him, stubborn as always.

"And you love me too. You never said it, but you acted like it," Seto countered.

Joey flushed. "Well- well, yeah, I do! So why are you leaving?"

"When you put it that way," Seto smirked, satisfied that he was in control of this situation. He bore down on Joey, enjoying the boy's look of anticipation, until their lips met and their eyes closed.

* * *

"Bakura?" Ryou ventured. His yami hadn't moved in about two hours and, much as Ryou enjoyed having him on his stomach, he was starting to feel afraid/embarrassed/uncomfortable.

"Hmmm?" Bakura muttered lazily, keeping his eyes closed.

"Um… would you mind moving?" Ryou asked timidly.

Slowly, Bakura's eyes cracked open. He regarded Ryou for a long moment, then slowly his mouth curved into an evil grin. "Why, certainly, Ryou," he said wickedly. Before Ryou could retract his request, or demand his yami to do something sane (for once), or just break down and cry, Bakura moved his head from Ryou's stomach and inched his whole body practically atop his hikari's. He shifted his leg, throwing it over the boy, and moved his head so he was staring directly down at Ryou. "Better?"

"Not exactly what I had in mind," Ryou managed to choke out. _But better_, he added silently.

The answer didn't seem to fully satisfy Bakura, and his eyes narrowed. Ryou's eyes grew larger in response, worried.

"Ryou, you're such a sissy," he growled.

"Okay," Ryou squeaked, slightly afraid. "If you say so."

Bakura made a guttural noise in the back of his throat, obviously more annoyed. "You're doing it again."

"Sorry."

"No!" Bakura squinted menacingly (something that only Bakura could pull off, really…). "You're so damned meek and pathetic! If I call you a sissy, defend yourself! If I yell at you, don't back down! If someone really sexy is sitting on top of you, just go for it!" He paused a minute. "Well, the first two things? For anyone but me. You should rightly be terrified of _me_."

"You know, you're contradicting yourself," Ryou ventured.

"Don't change the subject! What about the sexy person sitting on you?"

Ryou stared at Bakura. Bakura stared back.

"I can't," Ryou squeaked.

Bakura threw up his hands- or one of them, seeing as his hands were the only things supporting him from falling on Ryou. "I have to do _everything_," he growled, then used the free hand to yank Ryou up by the shirt collar. He kissed his light for a few bruising seconds before Ryou pulled back. Bakura raised his eyebrows, breathless and secretly worried.

"Thanks," Ryou said, before winding his arms around Bakura's neck and pulling him back down.

* * *

_The next morning…_

Mokuba yawned, rubbed his eyes. He hadn't seen Seto last night, but had known better than to go looking for him.

He padded in his pajamas down the hall, heading for the room he'd left his big brother in the afternoon before. He hoped that the two boys were alive, had worst come to worst. But, considering how much Seto loved Joey, things were looking a little cheerier than that.

He stopped outside the door; he didn't hear anything. Wondering if they were still in the room, Mokuba pressed his ear to the door.

"How are you going to clean the rug?" Joey's voice asked.

"I figured I'd have one of the maids do it…" Seto's voice trailed off. Mokuba heard Joey snickering.

"Can I watch you try and explain?"

"Okay, new plan. You do it."

"Hey!"

Confused as to what they were talking about- perhaps Seto had knocked over his breakfast- but satisfied that they were getting along, Mokuba headed towards the kitchen. Speaking of breakfast, he was hungry, and he doubted that Seto would be coming out to feed him anytime soon.

* * *

Marik knocked on the door. It took a few minutes to open, but he was used to that, with Bakura around. Finally, Ryou swung it open.

"Oh. Hi," he said, blushing. "Come on in. How are you?"

"Alive," Marik grumbled, stepping in. "Not sure I can say the same for Shadi. He and Ishizu materialized in the kitchen about an hour ago. Shadi looked like a drowned mouse, and Ishizu looked like the cat that dragged the mouse in."

Ryou raised his eyebrows, not sure of what to say. Marik continued, "Odion thought it was hilarious. I did too, until Ishizu said that, because I laughed at her, I couldn't have brownie batter for breakfast!" He looked appropriately indignant, and headed straight for Ryou's refrigerator. "So I'll just dig up something good over here."

"Okay," Ryou said, trailing him.

An exasperated voice and a white head appeared over the back of the couch. "Didn't I tell you to be forceful last night?" Bakura growled.

"You _told_ me to be forceful," Ryou retorted. "But actions speak louder than words, and after that, you sure didn't _show_ me I was supposed to be forceful. In fact, you seemed to enjoy the opposite."

Bakura snorted something unintelligible. "Huh?" Marik asked, emerging from inside the refrigerator, bowl of chocolate pudding in hand. He started over toward Bakura, but Ryou stopped him.

"He's a bit slower than I am," Ryou said, blushing. "He might not be dressed yet."

Marik's eyebrows raised, nearly clearing his hairline. Then he looked down at the pudding, and silently handed it over to Ryou.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Ryou asked blankly, before Marik left again. He came up to him a second time and replaced the pudding with a bottle of chocolate syrup.

"What do you _think_? Just wait 'till I'm gone, please."

* * *

"Yugi?" Grandpa called, gently tapping on the bedroom door.

Yugi bolted straight upward. He was unused to sharing the bed, found that Yami was crowding him, and fell off.

He struggled to untangle himself from the sheets as his sleepy yami pulled the pillow over his head and groaned, and as his concerned grandfather rapped on the door again. "Are you okay in there?"

"Fine," Yugi called desperately. "What is it?"

Silence. Then: "I just wanted to say hello. You were asleep when I came home last night."

"Uh…"

"Is Yami in there with you?"

"Uh…"

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Uh…"

"That's good. I'll see you when you decide to come downstairs. If you want, I'll make pancakes." Then he heard footsteps going down the stairs.

Yugi crawled off the floor, clad in a small T-shirt and a pair of boxers. "Yami! Wake up! I want my pancakes!"

An indistinguishable moan. Yugi giggled and climbed on the bed, sitting squarely on Yami's back. "Get u-up," he teased. "Come on, sleepy-head…"

"Go 'way," Yami muttered, just like Yugi used to when he'd been five. Yugi resorted to what his grandfather had done: leaned over and ticked his Yami's stomach, exposed when his tight shirt pulled up.

"Hey!" Yami said, scrambling up and knocking Yugi to the side. Yugi giggled again and bounced off the bed. "Come on, Yami! Pancakes!"

* * *

"All right, troops, move out!"

"Ishizu…"

"Yami and Yugi, front 'n' center! Seto, take Joey and flank left! Ryou and Bakura, cover the right wing! Téa, you and Serenity surround Yugi and Yami! Tristan, off to the right!"

"Ishizu, I think you're taking this too seriously…"

"A group photo _is_ serious work, Shadi."

Shadi gave up and headed to where the rest of the group was posing. He stood off to the left, as isolated as he could manage. Mokuba bounded up, standing in front of Seto and Joey but grinning at Shadi. Marik crept up, making Odion join the picture, behind Ryou and Bakura and gave Ryou a pinch on the arm. He hadn't really expected Bakura to spin around and grab his throat threateningly and vow to dismember him for touching his hikari, but maybe he _should_ have. Luckily, he had Odion to look tall and intimidating. So this was how Mokuba felt about Seto, and how Serenity felt about Joey. Big brothers really _were_ the best.

Ishizu was lecturing the cameraman, who happened to be Seto's poor gardener. He was the first person she'd found when she decided on the group picture. Right now, he looked terrified; Shadi could only imagine what she was threatening him with. She skipped up, looking happy; it must have been bad.

"Okay," the old man said, hands shaking slightly. Seto muttered something about him being overpaid. "On the count of three, I'll snap the picture. One… two… three!"

Ishizu beamed. She was the only one.

When the picture was developed a few hours later, Marik was giving Ryou bunny-ears. Bakura was in a half-turn, ready to rip Marik apart. Odion was already moving to intervene, and Ryou was just laughing. Serenity had turned around half-way to see what was going on. Tristan had jumped back, to avoid Bakura's lunge at Marik, and collided with Yami. Yami had pitched forward; Yugi had tried to catch him but wasn't strong enough, and the three of them had fallen onto Téa. She was bent over, laughing, and Mokuba was grinning behind her. Seto had been caught rolling his eyes, and Joey had a finger in his side, in mid-poke. Shadi, of course, had maintained a carefully blank face.

Ishizu took one look at the photo and declared it perfect.

* * *

**Notes**: Yes, this story is officially over; I'm going to miss working on this fic. But thanks a lot to everyone who reviewed; I love reading your comments. You guys are great!

Signing off,

DarkShadowFlame


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